The Other Prior: Candice Prior || Divergent Fanfiction

Chapter 11: Breathe

Mentions of panic attacks and suicidal thoughts in this chapter. Don't read if you are not comfortable. 356 Reads!! Thanks so much!

"There you go! What do you think?" Hana, Zeke's mother, asks me, handing me a mirror. I look at myself in the mirror intently, even though my Abnegation side tells me to look away. I see that my long hair which I had once prided myself on is cut short – a length that would never be approved in Abnegation, especially for me as a girl, because it draws too much attention. It isn't as short as Four's hair, or Zeke's for that matter, but it is still very short. The majority of the hair, which is parted in a side part is clipped up with a simple black hair clip to prevent it from coming in my eyes. I like it.

"I really like it." I say. And I do. It separates the new, Dauntless person I have become from the old Abnegation one. It helps cover the fact that I don't belong here with a sassy new persona.

Before Shauna and I get a chance to thank Hana for the amazing haircut, Uriah, Zeke's energetic sibling walks in. He's with Lynn, who from my time with Shauna I have learnt is Shauna's little sister. Hana leans over to ruffle Uriah's hair fondly before kissing him on the head. Now that I think about it, I notice family pictures all over the walls of her shop. It must feel nice to have a family like that. Close knit. Universal love.

My family always seemed to fall short of love when it came to me. My dad especially. He always judged my every move, there was nothing that I did that was good enough for him. When I excelled in school, I was not humble enough for him. When I was humble, I was not selfless enough for him. But everything that Bea and Lebby did was right. My mom had a more hidden way of favoring my siblings. While she loved me, no doubt, It was always obvious to me that she loved Bea or Lebby more. I don't care what they said or did, I will always love them. But sometimes I wish that the feeling was mutual. I wish that they loved me too. I wish that they didn't harbor the hidden wish that I would disappear so they could finally be the perfect family. My mom was just better at hiding it then my dad was. Maybe that's the reason I wanted to escape. Not because I'm not selfless enough. Just because I loved them so much, I wanted to give them their unspoken wish: To be a perfect family. Without me.

"Andi? Are you alright?" Shauna spoke, pulling me back to the world that I'm supposed to be in. The world that I chose to escape the constant self-doubt that followed me in abnegation. The world that has become a trap as well.

"Yeah." I say slowly, brushing the tears I didn't know had formed off my cheeks. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks Mrs. Pedrad." I say, thanking Zeke's mom for the new haircut and rushing out the shop. At this point I can't control my tears. It's becoming too much for me.

I hear Shauna faintly calling after me. I can't stop. The overwhelming thoughts come rushing back. The need for someone to want me. The reality that no one will. It all comes back. It always comes back. I don't know where I'm going. I just know I want to be somewhere where I can cry. Where I can let out the feelings that have been pent up inside me for so long. As I rush through the Dauntless compound more and more tears slip out of my eyes. I want to keep running. I want to run so fast I fly off the ground I'm on and grant the wish of me disappearing to everyone once and for all. But I am wrenched to a stop. I bump into somebody, and it knocks me back, pulling my mind and legs to a much-needed stop. I lift up my head to say sorry, but the words don't come out of my mouth when I see who it is.

Eric.

Out of everybody that could have seen me like this, it had to be Eric. The one person who right now could rob me of the words I need to speak. The one person who is ruthless enough to spread the story of the sobbing stiff. I look into his eyes for a moment, expecting to see hatred, superiority, and contempt. I am wrong. I see the eyes of someone who genuinely cares. He catches me by the shoulders, I know that he is trying to help but I can't accept it.

A sob burst out of me as I wrench myself from his grasp and continue on my way. Leaving behind a very confused Eric whose first attempt at kindness went wrong, and a panicked Shauna, still chasing after me.

+++

Shauna finds me in the dead end of the tunnel stuffed in the middle of a pile of crates. I can't believe a person who I just met yesterday is seeing me like this, but my mind is too worked up right now to care.

"Andi, Are you there?" She says softly, slowly approaching the pile of crates and my sobbing sounds.

I could stay silent, let her walk away, but I need to be with someone right now. I might regret it, but my brain will kill me if I don't let her help me. It has the capability to do that. It has the capability to suffocate me with the overwhelming thoughts I lock away on a daily basis. The ability to suppress my rational thinking, the good thoughts with the outbreak of thoughts that make me weak at my knees. And sometimes, I need someone else to help me fight those battles. Nobody can win every battle without help right?

"He-Here." I say, drying my eyes with the sleeves of my top. Even though I've agreed that I need her help this time, I'm not about to let her see fresh tears. Not right now.

She approaches me, rounding the large crate I'm positioned behind. I look absolutely disastrous. I'm sure of that, but she doesn't say anything, which I'm thankful for. She doesn't ask me if I'm okay, which helps me calm down, because it is obvious that I am not. She simply approaches me slowly and embraces me, allowing me to take pleasure in her hug. I am too tired to pull away. Too in need of assurance to push the only think that makes me feel warm inside away. I just sit, still in her embrace, as she sways me slowly back and forth, not breaking the silence.

I see Eric, as just a shadow behind the crates, standing and looking at me. I want to assure him I'm okay, deny him the opportunity to spread rumors about me. He sees me looking at him and does the most shocking thing so far. He smiles. I'm too shocked by his action to return it, instead I ask him, with my eyes so as to not alert Shauna to his presence, if he's okay after his fight with Four, to which he nods his head slowly. I don't know if he understood my question, but he gives me a thumbs up, and slowly walks away, leaving me with a smile on my face despite the thoughts in my head.

What is he doing to me? How can someone who is supposed to be so mean look at me like he does?

But then again, maybe I am not the only one that puts on a mask in front of the Dauntless. Maybe I saw the real Eric, behind the mask, coming up for air. The thought makes me warm inside. Maybe this was his opportunity to see the real me too. To see Candice. Maybe he isn't all what he seems, and maybe that's a good thing. Even so, I have a feeling nobody's going to know about my episode even though I had an uninvited visitor look in on it. Maybe this is the start of a friendship I had never expected. Maybe it's the start of something more. Who knows? And just like that, I'm feeling better. Even though there are more things which are unsure than when I plunged into this attack, I feel better. Even though there is a slight flutter in my chest that my brain tells me shouldn't be there, I feel better.

"I know you're not going to want to talk about it. But if you need anyone, I'm here for you." She says. Her words are warm. She seems to know exactly what to do to calm me down.

"How- How did you know?" I ask her

How did she know what to do? How did she know what would make me feel better and what would set me off the edge again?

"I get these attacks too. Where my brain controls me, and I can't control it back. I get them too. Overwhelming, sometimes suicidal thoughts – I get them too. So, I'm here for you." She says.

We sit there for a long time. Taking comfort in each other's presence.

I smile at her, and she returns it. The making of yet another true friendship.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

That's all life really is right? Just breathing.

I can do that.

I can take a step back and just keep breathing.