Angelic || suhyeok x cheongsan || aouad || ON HIATUS

Chapter 02 - a coward alone

Su-hyeok's illness was short-lived, but the effects lasted for weeks after. He remained quiet at school, actually paying some attention. He even got a score that was only a few marks behind Nam-ra. But he wasn't happy. He wasn't Su-hyeok anymore.

Cheong-san had tried visiting him when he was discharged from the hospital, but Su-hyeok always had some excuse for not wanting to see him. He tried writing notes for him, but when he was back at school, they never mentioned it. Su-hyeok still hung with the group, but somehow found a way to never be alone with Cheong-san.

CHEONG-SAN

It was safe to say that it hurt. My best friend ignoring me, making sure it was never just us two. I just wanted things to be back how they once were. Us two. Laughing. Close. I missed the old Su-hyeok. My Su-hyeok. I could just about keep the memories to a minimum during school, but it was worse on a night. I could only think about him at night, and how he'd changed. I cried sometimes. But it didn't help. Nothing improved.

It was a Tuesday when I finally decided to talk to him. Alone.

SU-HYEOK

"Hey, Su-hyeok, can we talk?" Cheong-san ran up to me.
I looked around, thinking of another excuse, "I was actually just going to revise with Nam-ra."
His face told me all I needed to know. He knew it was bullshit, and grabbed my arm, pulling me along. I didn't fight him - I was still weak in comparison to what I had been. He eventually pulled me into the bathroom - the same one I'd spent a good amount of time throwing up in a few weeks ago. My stomach dropped.

A few younger students were chatting and laughing, like I'd once done with Cheong-san. And the others.

"Get the fuck out."
His tone caught me, and the kids, off-guard. They looked at each other, raising eyebrows, whispering to one another.
"Get out!" he screamed at them.
"They're gonna fuck!" I heard one laugh to his friends, who, thankfully, saw Cheong-san's face and yanked him out the room.

My heart sped up, but not for the same reason it had last time I was alone with Cheong-san. I was scared of him. My legs moved without me telling them to. I backed up against the bathroom wall, desperately searching for an escape route.

CHEONG-SAN

I had intended to scream at Su-hyeok, but seeing the fear in his face, I just wanted to hug him, like I had a few weeks ago in this exact bathroom.
"Su-hyeok..." I began, not knowing what I would even say now.
He was looking at the ground, and it was like that awoke something in me.
"Look at me," I felt myself growl.
It wasn't deliberate, if anything, I shocked myself, and poor Su-hyeok. He looked at me, though. He didn't try to say anything.
"What the fuck is your problem with me?"
The anger I told myself I wouldn't show him was spilling out and I loved it.
"I- it's not y-" he stammered, his eyes pointed towards the ground.
"No. Don't you dare give me that. And I said look at me."
He winced, clearly trying not to cry, looking pathetic and ashamed.
Good.

SU-HYEOK

I couldn't understand. This wasn't Cheong-san.
"I'm sorry."
"What for?" he snapped.
I flinched. He saw. A smirk plastered on his face.
"I'm sorry for..."
I'd be trying to avoid him, but surely he didn't care about me that much.
"For?"
"E- everything."

CHEONG-SAN

He didn't understand.
"Do you not get it? Are you that incompetent that you don't know what you've put me through these last weeks? Are you that stupid that you think I don't care about you? Are you that much of a fucking idiot that you think you can't explain your feelings to me?"
Tears instantly fell from his eyes. I didn't care anymore.
"Su-hyeok, you were my best friend and now I can't say I even know you. You've changed and I'm the only one who's actually going to say something. I missed you every single day you were ill. But you didn't miss me. If you don't like me, just fucking say it!"
He closed his eyes, sliding down the wall, hitting the floor hard. Slowly, he shook his head.
"I do... I do like you, Cheong-san."

SU-HYEOK

He remained standing, staring at me. I took a deep breath.
"I really like you. I think I told you the last time we were here. But I knew you would never like me back, but that... that day, I was so... weak, that I thought it couldn't get any worse than it already was. But you didn't say anything back. It was all I could think of when I was in hospital - you not saying anything...
I thought you'd... judge me... for saying it, and I couldn't bare seeing you again, knowing that you knew, and didn't feel the same. I'm sorry."
"Fuck."
I looked back up at him.
"That's it?"
I blinked.
"That's why you've been avoiding me? Because you thought I didn't feel the same," he shook his head, closed his eyes, opened them again, "Fuck you."
"I- what?"
"Fuck. You." he repeated.

CHEONG-SAN

I was furious with him. All of that, just because he couldn't face rejection.
"Coward," I muttered.
He stared up blankly.
"You fucking coward."
"Cheong-"
"No. Don't you dare. What if I had replied, hm? Would you still run from me? Not even that. What would you do if I'd said I like you too. What then?"
He tried to stand, but he got the message to stay down when I lighty lifted my foot to his knee.

SU-HYEOK

"Answer me!" he screamed, bending down slightly to make direct eye contact.
"I- I don't know."
"Of course you don't. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"I- I couldn't."
I shouldn't have told him that. He was already pissed and I'd just made it worse.

CHEONG-SAN

Couldn't have? He didn't understand that he could have told me anything, and I would always have listened. I hadn't said anything for a while. The bell rang, but we both knew we wouldn't be going to class. Not yet, anyway. Su-hyeok tried to keep the tears in, but they'd already started again. I sat down next to him, but he shuffled away, turning slightly.
"You can tell me anything," I sighed, tempted to reach out for his hand like I did the last time.
But I don't.

We didn't say anything for a while. I felt both guilty for yelling at him, but still so angry. I missed him. I wanted things to be back to how they had been. Us. Not in a relationship, but I suppose we'd both thought about it, but both thought the other was straight. I'd heard some of our friends saying that we were flirting and were probably secretly dating. Even Gwi-nam had commented on us - the guy who can't take any social cue accurately. But if we were that obvious, how the fuck did we not see it?
Maybe we had. Maybe we'd been in denial for so long that we actually managed to convince ourselves that we didn't feel that way.

It was too quiet. I looked over. Su-hyeok had his eyes closed. I managed to fuck everything up. Again.

"I still like you, Cheong-san."