Daniel Seavey Imagines

sorry-edited 2023 (in some parts)

TW: this chapter has an intense atmosphere and a heavy mention of an eating disorder. if this makes you uncomfortable or triggered, please don't read this chapter.

shame.

that's what i feel right now. 

there are four words you could use to describe me. 

i am a liar. 

i said i'd get better. i said i'd eat. 

for him. 

but i can't. 

i want to. but i can't. 

sometimes, starving myself and watching the tremors in my hands feels powerful. somewhere along the way, skipping meals and prolonging when i get to eat turned into forgetting. and then it turned into not letting myself. 

tears stream down my face as i sit on the bathroom floor, my head rested against the wall. any minute now, daniel will be home. daniel will see me like this. 

sobbing, throwing up because i can't fucking eat. 

my head shoots up from the toilet as i hear the garage doors open for his car, panic solidifying my blood.

i stand up quickly, ignoring the black spots i see in my vision. i brush my hair to tug out the knots, but the brush breaks in half at the contact of my thick hair and my huge knot. 

i cry in frustration, and chuck the brush across the room, it hitting the wall and clattering onto the floor. i don't bother to get another brush. 

i wipe my mouth and run into the kitchen. i look through the fridge, finding something to eat. everything looks disgusting to my eyes, and i try not to gag at the thought of eating it. 

i decide on the chocolate cake from jonah's birthday party. 

we all know daniel's not gonna eat it. 

i don't even bother to put it on the plate, i just grab a chunk of it with my bare hands and shove it into my mouth. 

i immediately feel like throwing up again. i ignore the need to gag and keep eating it anyway. 

i'm way too skinny. 

i try not to define that as a victory. 

i hear the garage door open and panic floods through my chest. i shove more into my mouth, chewing even though my head spins. 

i can't help the vomit that explodes out of my mouth, all over the counter. i run over to the sink and spit. more tears escape out of my eyes, and a sad, small sob comes out of my mouth.