the feeling of gender euphoria - liam payne

Shoes that fit

Liam acknowledging that they are non-binary.

Liam Payne is a famous pop star.

Everyone knows that.

Liam has been famous and in the focus of public attention ever since they appeared on the X-Factor back in 2010 and was grouped into a 'boy band' by Simon Cowell - So being famous is by far nothing new to Liam.

Though, Liam never truly did expect to get this big, to get this famous or to have this many fans. Not in a million years did Liam expect anything like this. Liam thought the fame and the growing of followers and supporters would stop at the X-Factor but oh, they couldn't be more wrong because Liam's fan base is on the uprise every single day. It's well in the millions by now and by having this many eyes watching over on Liam, it has done nothing but make things ten times harder for the poor singer.

You see, Liam is non-binary. Which, yeah, might not be that obvious to the rest of the world but that's what they are: it's who they identify as and it's what makes them, them. It took them a whole lot of time and thought for Liam to accept it and now two years down the line, they haven't told anyone about it yet. Not even their best friends or family (and they don't quite plan on telling them anytime soon either.).

However, although it may be the 22nd century and the majority of the world now identifies as something completely different to their assigned gender at birth, It doesn't make coming out any easier. Liam is sure that if they ever do choose to come out, it will be one of the hardest and toughest decisions to make, especially with so many fans to please and to be their wanted ideology of.

Gender is a social and growing concept that constantly can be changed, it is never something that is fixed to one place. We are all exploring ourselves and acknowledging what feels most comfortable to us but that doesn't mean the world is 100% accepting. Liam could come out right now, they could tell the world exactly who they are and who they want to be viewed as but the chances of everyone going along with it are very, very slim which both frightens and upsets the singer.

Liam wishes, more than anything in the entire world that they could just go out there and be themselves. They find it utterly disgusting how the world is so unaccepting in this day and age, finding out about themselves and who they are was so complicated, it was a long process and it led to so many breakdowns (Many of which still happen.).

Liam wants to break the gender boundaries and stereotypes which have been set amongst himself by their fans and the media but they are just too afraid of what may be said. Of course, Liam doesn't mind wearing the outfits he wears and presenting how he does but God, they would pay millions to comfortably wear a skirt with an oversized band tee tucked in, out in public but they suppose that's just something that has to say behind their bedroom doors.

They don't like how breaking gender stereotypes is so easy for someone such as their old band mate, Harry Styles, but not for them theirselves. They often wonder if they've done something wrong to be viewed as nothing but pure masculine, to be viewed as a tough and a strong lad. They hate it so much.

They hate it so much in every single sense, they hate the fact that they don't have the bravery to even tell their sisters about how they're feeling. They hate that their fans constantly talk about their body and glamorise it for what it is because fuck, Liam hates their body. They want to be petite and soft, they don't like what is in between their legs and can think of many things in which they'd prefer to be there instead. Sometimes, Liam likes to wear lacy pink lingerie underneath to feel a bit better about themselves, to attempt to fix that deep and dark feeling of dysphoria from within them. It barely works but sometimes it's just that break in which they desperately need.

It was quite a large argument with their management but Liam convinced their management to let them wear eyeliner for their Jack Sparrow halloween costume. They reassured their management it was simply to make the consume more realistic but in reality it was to feel the sense of gender euphoria in their tummy and heart again which they craved so bad. They never really washed the eyeliner off and let it just fade away with time over the next few days, taking a shit load of selfies and even 'accidentally' sharing one of them with their fans.

Liam can remember back in the One Direction days when they would be on stage and fans would throw pink tutus at them and the lads, they would always be the first to grab one and put it on before delicately dancing around the stage, wearing it. They found wearing the tutus on stage was strange because they always oddly enjoyed the feeling that it gave them, they admired the pure pleasure and happiness in which they felt in their tummy and craved the feeling to happen again. Wearing the tutus was definitely a large stage in helping Liam to come to the conclusion that they are non-binary and they believe that without it, they perhaps wouldn't be were they are. So really, Liam is thankful for their fans even if they are quite scared of them.

Now Liam knows that being feminine isn't what makes someone who is assigned male at birth, non-binary. Liam knows that being non-binary is how you personally view it. Being non-binary has no rules, Liam knows that but Liam would like to look feminine. They would like to look feminine in a way that a girl looks feminine but in the same sense that a boy looks feminine too. They want to be androgynous but in their own view of what they believe that androgynous is.

Liam can't explain their gender because their gender is a wide range of things. If they could try to sum it up in a non-confusing or odd-sounding way, they would explain their gender simply as 'shoes that fit'. It's an odd metaphor for what it is but that's their gender. Their gender is simply just what fits them, it's comfortable but can be out there and has a wide range of different styles. A shoe that fits is something that you don't notice until you really sit and think about it. Liam's gender fits them and they wish that they could share it with the world and give other people an insight to what they are.

They have been noticed a few times, through their breakdowns about their gender. Niall walked in on Liam, only just the other day when Liam was holding back tears after viewing a tweet that they had read about how they had the ideal body for a 'male pornstar'. The tweet was nothing too deep, it wasn't sickening to any sense and was something that Liam received often but it just wasn't who they are and they're sick of constantly being compared to it. Niall had questioned if Liam was okay and Liam just shrugged it off and lied, said they had a bit of a cold and that they needed to rest it off. Niall thought nothing of it and went back to what he was previously doing. Liam wished more than anything in that moment that they didn't shy away and just straight up told Niall what the issue was. Perhaps Niall would have cuddled them and made things better? Or perhaps he wouldn't have done? And that's what terrifies Liam the most.