the feeling of gender euphoria - liam payne

Drunkness and exhuastion

Liam gets drunk and contacts their sister about it.

Liam was drunk.

Very drunk.

In fact, Liam was so drunk, that they even began to believe that getting up and walking around wouldn't be an accessible option right now. God. They really did not like this feeling at all, and no, It's certainly not like being and getting drunk was something that Liam was new to, it's just that they have never been in a situation this bad before.

Liam has suffered an alcohol addiction for around three or so years now so drinking is something that he has an unfortunately large experience with. In fact they were actually a couple of months sober before slipping up and falling into the current state that they are in. (Extremely drunk.) Liam despised himself for it yet they just can't stop picking up that bottle and swallowing the harsh liquid down their throat.

They didn't even expect to get drunk like this, they just wanted to have a few shots to become tipsy, not to become so drunk that they can't even walk or move. Liam just wanted a break, they wanted to feel something other than stress, sadness and dysphoria. They're so tired of pretending to be someone they're not, they just want to be out and show the world who they really are. So they did what they first thought of to distract themselves and that was alcohol, at first it was some beer and then it was some wine, finishing off with drinking vodka straight. (This much alcohol in their system was probably damaging but they strangely didn't mind it?)

Liam's management is going to kill them if they ever find out about the situation in which Liam is currently in, they're sure of it and they're also sure that without a doubt that their team will be made aware of this. They will find out one way or another and Liam will receive a rough telling to as a result of it.

Everything is becoming a lot. Liam wishes that they had someone to talk to as it's all getting too much for one person to deal with. The bad dreams, the dysphoria, the overthinking. Liam can't stand any of it. This isn't right. Getting drunk at half 10 in the morning on their kitchen floor with bottles all around them? That's not fucking normal and from the bottom of Liam's stomach, they know that it isn't. They need to do something about it but they are certainly not in the right mindset or state to do anything right now, if anything they need some medication and some water to sober up.

Perhaps they could call someone to talk about it? I mean, It's probably time, Liam has kept everything in for so long and even without the courage which they do desperately want, they should tell someone. But shit. Who would they even call in the first place? Louis is on tour, Harry is filming, Niall is playing golf and no one knows where Zayn is. They've got no one. Everyone is busy.

They felt helpless and lonely, lying on their kitchen floor, weak and crying like a little kid. Liam truly doesn't know how they let themselves get into a state such as this and they don't know what they can do to help themselves. They've considered getting a therapist but Liam doesn't think it's right how you pay someone to tell all your secrets to, all your thoughts and different memories to and have them give you feedback on it. It's silly, they think.

Maybe they should finally contact their sisters? I mean, their sisters have been there for them since day one. They deserve to know how Liam is feeling. Right? Liam's not too sure. They're afraid that their sisters may tell someone else however deep down Liam knows they shouldn't be thinking things like that because their sisters simply would not do something like that, especially not Ruth. Liam loves their sisters.

So without another thought and a shaky breath, Liam rang Ruth.

It didn't take long till Ruth answered and within a matter of seconds, Liam heard her cheery voice falling down from the other side of the phone and that was all it took for Liam, they let out a whimper with a flow of tears and mumbled phrases. Liam wasn't expecting to break down like that at the sound of Ruth's voice but they just couldn't help it. Hearing Ruth's voice felt exactly like someone had just asked them if they were 'okay' after having a bad day and then them quickly realising that no, they are in fact not okay and they were waiting for someone to ask if they were 'okay'. It's a weird thing to compare their feelings to but that's exactly what it felt like to Liam when they heard their older sister's voice.

Liam tried to make some sense of what they were saying to Ruth but they just couldn't make it clear what they were trying to say, they felt like giving up and ending the call but Ruth just listened to them, trying to understand what on earth her baby sibling was talking about. It took some time and a lot of slurred mumbles from Liam but she eventually managed to string together some words that Liam was saying. Liam wanted help, Ruth wasn't sure what for but she could tell they were drunk and needed some assistance.

She hushed some calming words back to them, helping Liam to steady their breath and calm down. Ruth has always been good at calming Liam down, not to say Nicola hasn't but Liam just feels an extra blanket of safety when talking to Ruth. Liam also believes that the reason they have a stronger bond with Ruth is because their ages are closer together but they aren't too sure about it.

"You want help?" She hummed softly and Liam sniffled and slurred a "Yes." back. They felt so weak and they felt so stupid for having to call up their sister and breakdown to them like this but they knew it was getting to the point where they needed to talk to someone about it. "I'm coming around, I'll be there in a few minutes, Li." Liam just nodded, even though Ruth couldn't see them and Ruth ended the call and made her way over to Liam's house with some blankets and Ben n' Jerry ice cream.

She was going to help and be there for her little sibling.