the feeling of gender euphoria - liam payne

Nightmare

Liam has a nightmare.

It's half five in the morning and Liam has just woken up in a sweat from a nightmare with a banging headache and a deep feeling of discomfort in his chest.

Nightmares are something that Liam has often. Unfortunately, they are sort of used to having them by now. At the start, they would call their band mates to come comfort them. They'd cry softly into their chest and explain what had happened in the dream and Louis, Zayn, Harry or whoever it was would hold them and reassure them that they're safe and that everything was okay. Which was good for a short period of time but Liam soon came to the conclusion that overtime, these nightmares weren't going anywhere and that their band mates wouldn't always be there to comfort them, especially as they are all now solo artists doing their own things all over the world.

So they just stopped.

They stopped calling for comfort and they simply just put up with it.

Of course, this led to many sleepless nights which then further led to them overthinking about small things which had been on their mind but what else could they do? Besides, should a 28 year old really be having sleepless nights and waking up distraught from a dream? Liam doesn't think so, it's embarrassing to say the least.

Their dreams first started as a result of stress back when Liam was just a teenager in the band but they have gotten a whole lot worse over the years. Liam really wishes that they didn't have the dreams but they also know that there is nothing which can be done about them.

So right now, after having a bad dream, Liam is just waiting it out. For the sweat to go away, the discomfort in their chest to disappear and the headache which is now affecting their eyes because of how harsh it is to dissolve. For them to feel better again.

They toss and turn and pick up their phone, which of course just makes their head hurt more but they shrug it off. They scroll down different social medias for a while before then opening Twitter and liking a few tweets from their fans. They always like interacting with their fans as they know just how much a simple interaction could mean to them, it could save someone's day and make one of their worst days, a whole lot better. Liam wishes they had someone to do that to them but it's hard idolising someone when you're viewed as an idol yourself.

After a while of scrolling and a worsening thumping pain in Liam's head, they got up and chugged a litre of water down with some ibuprofen. Liam hates taking any form of medicine, they don't know why. Perhaps because of the fact that taking medicine means they need to accept that they actually feel like crap and need it. Liam doesn't like that really, it's like admitting you're weak. Although deep down, they know that ideology is wrong. They guess it's just the toxic masculinity that has been forced on them over the years which makes them think that.

Liam decides to work out in their home gym to kill the time once their medicine begins to work. Their management will be arriving at their house in a couple of hours to go over the plans for Liam's new show: 'Here's to the Future'. The idea of the show is to invite smaller and uprising singers to give them a platform to show themselves off and grow.

Liam hopes that they can get a non-binary singer onto the show. That way, they can see if the fans accept them and how they treat them, to see how their management treats the singer and wether they personally accept it or not. Though, Liam does feel kind of a dickhead thinking that, it's almost like getting a person to be a test subject for them but in a sense they also know that it will also show inclusion to fans who may also be non-binary, just like them.

There aren't many non-binary fans that Liam knows of but knowing some of them makes Liam feel a little at ease with who they are. If Liam had to come out to some of their fans, they would choose the transgender ones. They'd understand them and they would defend and be there for them when no one else is. Liam knows eventually that when they gain the courage to come out, that not many people will accept them for who they are. They've seen it happen in the media before with other singers but they will be forever grateful for the ones who stick around to support them. Liam wonders and hopes that their own family will be amongst that group.

The gym is one of Liam's favourite places, they like how they are able to zone out and focus on just straight working as hard as they can, thinking of nothing else but pushing, pulling and moving different objects. They like how they are able to change their body but in some senses, they also hate it. Working out makes them look ripped, it makes them look strong and have a wider and larger, masculine frame. That's the only downside to it. Thankfully, they are able to wear what they want and dress how they want to in their own gym without being judged, Liam takes advantage of this and wears colourful oversized shirts opposed to the dull tight ones they usually wear when in public or with friends.

Liam sported a lilac shirt in their gym today tucked loosely into some shorts, they were hesitant to wear it with management coming around but they figured that it's only a lilac shirt and it wouldn't be questioned, they were just overthinking. (They're good at doing that which is probably why they haven't even came out to anyone close to them yet. Liam ponders daily that everything will go wrong if they ever do come out.)

They worked hard and came out fairly exhausted, feeling a whole lot better. The bad thoughts from the dream still lingered over Liam's shoulder though, today's dream wasn't awfully too bad compared to usual which Liam is thankful for. It consisted of them being chased by a faceless person towards a cliff edge. Liam wish they understood what it meant. Perhaps they should buy a dream journal?

Liam had a quick shower, spraying himself with vanilla aftershave - it was the closest to feminine yet most masculine smell in which they could find - before then meeting up in their kitchen with their manger who had laid down some designs for the show and was sat on his phone, waiting. He greeted Liam with a friendly smile and the singer offered a friendly 'Hello' before looking through the designs.
Liam made some amendments and notes on the ones that they liked before discussing some new singers to their manager which they had found while looking on TikTok. The singers they had found ranged from different cultures, genders, sexualities and different body types. Liam wants everyone to be involved, they have a wide fan base after all and they want to make it inclusive, supportive and individual for each fan. It would also be disrespectful and unfair for Liam to leave anyone out anyway, besides they are simply just not like that; Liam wishes they had a place or a person for themselves which felt like that.

They left a list of singers with their manager who looked through them, contacting some of them to see if they'd like to be on the show.