Happenstance (LGBTQ) [Editing]

Five

"Did you sleep okay?" I ask Mom.

We left a few minutes ago to do our shopping. Adam was gone by the time we are leaving.

"I did actually. The bed felt like a cloud. How about you?"

"Great actually," I add.

She turns to me as we stop at a red light. I know it's due to the glass of warm milk and honey I had last night.

"That's good. We have a lot of stuff to get today." She says.

"I know. Don't worry I wrote a list after putting the clothes in the washer."

"What would I do without you, Elliott?"

She smiles pulling off again. I don't know. I shrug my shoulders to respond.

••••

Shopping is something that always gives me anxiety when I was younger and today still. It's mainly due to hating having to try on boys' clothes when I was younger. All I could think is I'll have to wear it eventually. When I was around 9 or 10, I realized I didn't see myself in those clothes. My eyes kept wandering to the girl's section.

I would imagine myself in a dress instead of shorts and a T-shirt. Mom started to notice it too and a few years after when I was 12 maybe 13, she asked me about it. That was a scary conversation.

My undeveloped mind was a mess. Thinking she would hate me once I told her the truth. It's also the day I had my first panic attack. But once Mom was able to get me to breathe properly again, I told her the truth I'd been keeping a secret for so long.

That I wanted to dress like a girl. I wanted to wear dresses and skirts with blouses instead of T-shirts. I told her I don't feel like a boy but like a girl. Inside I'm a girl. Mom handled it well. I don't know how but that conversation led to a lot of other things.

"Elliot, are you getting enough clothes?"

Mom asks bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Yes, I've picked up a few tops and bottoms. I'm looking for dresses now."

She nods helping me find clothes. Mom and I already purchased sleepwear for both of us. We got underwear as well. Now we're focused on getting clothes to wear outside and to work. Which are pretty much the same. She knows sometimes shopping is stressful for me.

Not because I hate it but it always reminds me I'm an imposter. No matter how much I take estrogen or wear the things women do, I'll never fully ever be a real woman. Not in the normal sense. For one I don't have breasts. I've been taking estrogen for about a year now but it seems like my boobs will never grow, and I still have the sexual parts of a man.

"It's gonna be okay sweetheart."

Mom says getting my attention again. She pulls me in for a hug rubbing my back. She's a bit shorter than me but that doesn't matter.

That's another thing I wasn't always happy with. I'm too tall. I'm 5'9 and I wish I were shorter so I could be more petite and cute. But I don't hate my height as much since most Victoria's Secret models are around this height.

"I know can we finish up here? I know you have to get some business casual clothes for yourself plus we need suitcases for when we have to move out and plenty of other things, like shoes, hygiene products too...."

"Elliott. Elliott. I know baby we don't have to focus on that right now. What are you thinking about that's making you so frustrated? Hmm."

She can always read me like a book. It's often a benefit but there are times it's a hindrance. Like now when I don't feel like talking. I just want to get this shopping trip over and done with.

"Mom I don't feel like talking right now."

"Okay, and that's fine baby. Whenever you are, I'll be ready to listen. Whatever it is, it's going to be okay I promise. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but it will get better baby. One day Elliott you'll see."

"Hmm." I mumble. Not truly believing her.

Sure it will. Maybe when my boobs grow in. If they ever do.

I can sense I'm near crying. So I turn around and continue shopping. I really hope She's right because sometimes no matter how much I love who I am, I can't help but still wish I could be someone else. Even if for a day.

Shopping continued with me being quiet, only nodding when Mom asked for my opinion. We finished buying all the things we need three hours after my incident. After several trips to her car, the trunk is full so some things are put on the back seat. Thankfully Mom thought to put items inside the suitcases as well which helped.

We got four of them. Two for her and two for me. I helped pay for things as much as I could. Luckily I have work-study every semester. I work on campus in the psychology department. It's not a lot but it's something.

It helps to lighten some of the cost for my tuition since with work-study I get a tuition waiver which covers half of my tuition per semester since I work on campus. Being that I don't dorm helps too. (This is made up. I don't believe work-study works like this.)

"Whew. I'm hungry what about you baby?"

Mom questions as we close the trunk.

"Me too. We should head back maybe get groceries and cook so we can save money. Take-out is expensive and unhealthy anyway."

"Okay let's do that. Why don't you start the GPS for the nearest supermarket near Adam's? That's a great idea."

I nod. Getting in the passenger seat. Mom climbs in and starts the car.

"I think we should drop off everything first though, we don't have space for groceries."

Mom confirms. Which is true. There's not even space to hold one more bag

I shake my head agreeing so she drives off to Adam's. All the while I kept my head on the window watching the scenery go by.

Two chapters today because I haven't posted in a while.