Without Boundaries

4.

I could see what he saw as he surveyed my little room.

My books were in a neat pile on the floor near the window. My clothes, were still in the suitcase although I'd spread them over the lid as well so I could have better access. There was a mattress on the floor with a thin duvet. An empty milk crate doubled up as a coffee table and nightstand.

The small kitchenette was mostly bare. The drying rack was currently holding one bowl, one cup, a spoon and a fork. The only amenity I couldn't live without was in the corner; a cheap electric kettle.

I had spent all my allowance helping him furnish his apartment. I was paying the rent on this place so I didn't have much leftover after meals and other necessities. It would be a while before I could get it looking like it should. I had a small bathroom to myself and there was actually warm water. I would hang up my clothes as soon as I got some proper hangers. I was in the process of finding a desk and chair so I could study more comfortably.

It was sparse but it was clean.
It was mine.

Pok couldn't throw me out of here. But he could make it so I didn't want to stay.

Turning away from him I put my bag down next to my books. I would unpack my notes and the lab results later. He was just standing at the threshold staring. I was suddenly so tired, I felt like I could sleep for days. I wanted to crawl into bed but I was sweaty and grubby and hot. A shower felt like the perfect idea but the memory of our last time we'd been together and I nearly doubled up from the pain of it.

The soft low keen drew Pok's attention and he was beside me in an instant. Putting the container of food on the crate and pulling me into his arms.

"What's the matter?"

"Please Pok..."

"What? What do you need?"

What I had always needed...but couldn't have. Him. "I need you to go."

"Tong..."

"Why do you even want to be here?" I asked no longer trying to hold in the way I felt. Needing him to be gone so I could fall apart in peace. "You told me to go and I went. What is this then?"

"Is it that easy for you?" He asked softly.

I could feel his breath against my ear. The shudder that run through me was a violent wanting thing.

"Easy? You think it's easy?" Was he serious? He couldn't be. "You can't be serious?"

"You seem fine."

"And I shouldn't be, right?" I understood that. I understood that I wasn't supposed to live without him. I just didn't know what else to do. If I was going to exist in a world where the only way he looked at me was with anger or contempt, it was better if he wasn't there at all. "Show yourself out."

I didn't have any more fight in me. He would do whatever he wanted. I just needed to get away from him.

I was so cold; so tired. Maybe a hot shower would warm me up. But I didn't think I'd ever be warm again. I moved out of his arms but I stumbled. Pok caught me before I fell.

"What's wrong?"

"What...? Nothing. I'm just..." I wanted to say I was just tired by my vision was swimming. Pok guided me to the mattress and helped me sit down. My legs felt like jelly. Not having to use them felt like a good idea.

"Tong. When did you last eat?"

"Hhmm...?" It was hard to put the pieces together.

Why he was still there. Why I hadn't eaten. Why it was a bad idea to let him hold me even though I could feel his warm body, hear his strong beating heart. Why it felt like everything was getting away from me and I would mind the welcoming embrace of oblivion.

"Tong...you need to eat," he said. I realized I was leaning heavily against him. I tried to straighten up but his arms were around me. I didn't want him to stop holding me. If I wasn't trying very hard to get away, he would never know. "Are you listening?"

I wasn't.

Only when he moved away did I try to make sense of what was happening. He was standing in the kitchenette. The kettle was boiling but he needed to know I had run out of coffee. He'd figure that out soon enough.

"Tong. Eat."

The bite of food he put in my mouth didn't make sense. But I chewed it and swallowed. The second bite didn't go down as easy, my stomach protesting.

"Here, drink this." He said putting the hot water against my lips.

I sipped it and that felt much better. It wasn't the coffee I craved but it was hot enough that my insides warmed up with it. He gave me three more bites before I was conscious enough. Two more before I could be embarrassed by what was going on. I had missed a few meals. That was normal when it was more important to go from class to class and hide in the library in between them. I didn't think my body would check out on me. To have Pok there to witness it was my just desserts. He was about to give me another bite when I turned away.

"I can do it," I whispered. The shame burned my face and closed my throat so only the water would go down. I tried to eat a little more but I couldn't. I closed the lid on the container. "I'll eat the rest later."

I hoped that would finally get him to leave. Instead, he came and helped me up from the mattress. "I know you're supposed to wait a while before taking a shower but I think you'll feel better if you do."

The instruction was not reassuring. If he wanted me to go shower it meant he didn't have any plans to leave. He couldn't be here when I was showering. I just didn't know how else to make him leave. Then something he'd said came back to me.

"I don't want there to be a misunderstanding."

"With who?" He was on me before I could finish what I was saying. "Is that why you didn't want me to come here?"

"Pok. We are not together anymore. You didn't want to be here."

"So, you have moved on."

"I can do that if I want to."