Pol Rubio, a young philosophy graduate, isn't feeling his best lately. And he usually is. Working at a dead-end job and living an unfulfilling life was not what he had envisioned his life to be. Until one night, when he recalls a previous failed rel...
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She's gonna kill me today. I just know it.Her eyes pierce through me as she pours me a cup of tea. A sinister last image before I die.
Why did I ever think coming here was a good idea? Of course, Carmina would be pissed at me. Of course. And tea? I've never drank tea before but I just know it tastes like shit. Especially those ones old people like drinking. It's probably poisoned. She finishes pouring and proceeds to lean on her chair. She picks her cup up. I smile at her, hoping it would lighten the atmosphere. It doesn't. Not even my charm can save me now. She begins sipping from her cup, the sound echoing throughout her apartment kitchen.
She pauses and looks up at me. What does she want? I look around the room for a bit just to avoid her eye contact. But when I look back at her, she's still staring at me. She drinks her tea and then it clicks. She's waiting for me to drink mine. Shit. Okay, do I really have to do this? Okay, fine. Let's just go for it. I take the cup and slowly lift it towards my face. I smell it. Oh, god. Oh no. I close my eyes and, with almost pursed lips, take a sip. The sound echoes through the room again.
Oh. My eyes widen.
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I look at Carmina and she smiles.
"It's not that bad," I say out loud. I let out a huge sigh of relief.
She nods and puts down her cup and I take another sip. Wow. That tastes fucking good.
"I know," she says. "Thai Ginger tea. Bruno's favorite."
My smile immediately disappears and I put down the cup of tea. I knew it. It's a trap.
"Carmina..."
"I don't want to know what happened between you and Bruno. I just want to know if it was worth it."
Was it worth it? I don't know. Things just happened. At that moment, I was just really getting tired of Bruno being there and I just needed him to stay away a bit. I didn't know he would just up and go and disappear from my life. If I'd had known that, I wouldn't have said what I said to him at the time. Was it worth it? I guess. It made adjusting to university a lot more easier. I don't know. A lot of people make choices everyday, and they don't think if it would be worth it or not.
"It was...at first." I adjust my throat. "My life was changing fast. I was meeting so many people. I was experiencing so many things and...philosophy and...Bruno...well, it just felt like he was holding me back."
"But?"
I exhale. "But now I'm working at a job that I don't like and half those people I met in university aren't even in my life now anymore. And my high school friends already have lives of their own. And I'm just here. And...everything just feels...hollow."
"And you think Bruno's the solution to those problems?"
"No...I don't know. Maybe?"
She shakes her head and puts down her tea cup. "You have to know, Pol. You have to be sure of what you want. Bruno can't just be around all the time for you whenever you're sad or whenever you feel lost."
"I understand that but-"
"No, I don't think you do. The fact that you're here tells me you still haven't learned."
I shouldn't have come here. I should've just continued living my terrible life. I mean, I could've just visited her and not mention Br...oh yeah. She mentioned him first. Everything always goes back to Bruno. Even me.
"How is he?" I ask. Is he okay? Is he alive? What's he doing right now? What's his job? Did he graduate university? Why did he change his number?
"He's okay." She pours herself another cup of tea.
"Did he tell you what happened?"
"No."
"But that was...four years ago." She pours me another cup of tea and shakes her head.
"No. He didn't tell me," she says, putting down the teapot. I put down tea cup.
I've never been in love with you Bruno. That was what I told him before he disappeared. And he really did disappear. No texts, no calls, not even in social media.
It's not like I didn't look for him. I've looked for him many times. Once on my 23rd birthday, another time when I was drunk, I tried calling him when I was diagnosed with HIV, and finally on my graduation. I was having a party to celebrate it and I tried to contact him and invite him to join. But he wouldn't answer his phone. And when I messaged him on Facebook, he didn't reply. He didn't even read my messages. So after that, I just stopped. His message was pretty clear, stay away from me.
"Where is he?" I ask her. She stares at me for a bit, probably deciding if she should tell me or not.
I can understand her hesitation. I mean, I don't even trust myself.
But you know, Carmina, I've also changed. I'm not the same Pol you knew four years ago. I'm wiser now, I graduated university, and...I have my own apartment. Lots of new things.
But maybe that's precisely why she's hesitant. She's looking at a stranger.
"Will you go looking for him?" she asks.
"No."
*
I immediately book a flight to Rome. I open my email to check my ticket again. 4:30am. Earliest flight to Rome. I can't believe I'm doing this. I haven't even planned yet where I'll be staying there. This is so exciting and yet totally fucking stupid.
My phone alarm rings. I drink some meds and lie down on the bed for a bit. Finally, something to look forward to. This time tomorrow, I'm going to be in another country and I'm going to see Bruno. And I'm going to tell him about everything that's happened in my life since. And he'll know that it's okay; that I'm okay. And that he can finally come back.
