Finding You. | BRUNOL & SIMUEL

Part 9: Manuel

I never want to go to gay bars again. And that makes me sad. I really tried my hardest not to screw it up. And for a moment, I even enjoyed dancing with Felice. But, just like with everything else in my life, I also managed to fuck that one up.

I wish Pol and I could have had a great night. He seems like a good guy, although a bit self-centered.

I force myself not to think about it anymore. Because every time I do, the throbbing pain on my face becomes a bit more painful. I sigh as a customer approaches me.

Her eyes widen at first, seeing my face. She immediately gets over it and orders a strawberry gelato. "Are you okay?" she asks.

Thank God she's not a tourist. Or I would have had to eat her gelato in front of her face. I've already reached my English-speaking limit last night with Pol. I said so many things and I'm not sure if they even made sense.

"Yes, I'm okay. Thanks for asking. Have a nice day," I say with a fake smile as I give her her order.

She walks away unconvinced.

I shouldn't be working right now. I should be at home, relaxing and healing. But I don't have a choice. Rent's almost due and I'm going to need to buy a new phone since I broke mine last night during the fight. I forgot it was on my back pocket and I sat on it. And now the screen is broken. I give a customer his strawberry gelato.

I really fucked things up last night, haven't I? Not only for myself but also Pol. Well...to be honest, it wasn't that much of a solid plan, was it? What did he expect? For Bruno to just turn up out of the blue? But still, he almost got a lead and I kept him from getting it.

Nope.

I'm not doing this. I'm not going to defend Pol. It's not my fault he had a stupid fucking plan. Going to Rome to find an ex? What is this? A rom-com? If I hadn't met him, none of what had happened would have happened. And I would have continued to live in peace, away from everyone. My face is throbbing again. I close my eyes for a bit, waiting for another customer.

I'm so tired.

"Manuel?" I immediately jolt up in surprise, realizing I've dozed off to sleep. Shit. A new customer. I scramble and adjust my apron as I look up. At first it doesn't sink in for me who this new customer is. The lack of sleep makes it hard to piece information together. But then I look at his eyes and suddenly, it dawns on me.

"Simo," I say weakly, almost whispering.

He doesn't say anything for awhile and just stares at me; his gaze piercing through me. Absolutely mortifying me and yet at the same time, filling my chest with a warmth I haven't felt in a while. This is too much for me.

"What can I get you?" I ask. He shakes his head.

"No. Not like this, Manuel."

"I'm working right now, Simo." I begin cleaning the counter, trying to look busy. "How did you even find me?" I steal some glances at him.

"I wasn't looking for you, Manuel. I was on my way to Pin's house and...and then I saw you." He looks at my face. "What happened?"

That's great. It's great that he didn't try to find me. That's what I wanted anyway, right? This what you wanted, Manuel. You should be happy. Are you happy?

"Nothing. So do you want anything?" He doesn't respond. He just stares at me for a bit, maybe trying to think of what to say.

I'm scared of what he'll say.

"Where were you?" he asks.

"I can't talk right now, Simo. I'm–"

"No. I want to understand, Manuel. My father...he loved you like a son. And, and...why? Why weren't you there?" his voice shakes, his cheeks red and tears start falling from his eyes.

I don't know what to say anything without hurting you, Simo. All I know is that in this moment, all I can think about is holding you. I want to be close to you so bad and yet I can't. I want to tell you I miss you and that everything in my life sucks without you. But if I do that, I would just be allowing myself to hurt you.

You deserve so much better than that.

"I'm sorry," I say. For leaving you, for being an absolute jerk. For so many things, Simone.

"Sorry is not an explanation, Manuel."

"Sorry is the only thing I can say, Simo." I finish arranging and wiping some of the containers for the gelato, setting aside the empty ones and swapping them out with new ones.

"No," Simone says, shaking his head, "No. That's not enough anymore."

"Then I don't know what to say to you anymore, Simone." I look at him. "I've already apologized. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that your father is dead. But fathers die. People die. That's just life. Get over it!"

Now I've done it. I've gone too far. He doesn't say anything. "I'm sorry," I say.

"Didn't you think that I would miss you, Manuel? That I would need you?" I don't respond. I've already said so many things and they're already hurting Simone. "I kept telling myself everyday, 'Manuel will be back.' And when that didn't happen, I then told myself, 'Okay, he'll call me or text me at least.' But that still didn't happen and now I'm just lost. Stuck. Because I never want to hate you. I want to. But I never can. So what do I do now?"

I shake my head. "Hate me. Just forget about me, Simo." Don't say that Manuel. Don't say anything. Just shut the fuck up.

"I don't want to. I want to help you...and understand you. I know deep inside you don't mean that. Let's figure this out togeth—"

"How do you know what's going on inside my head? Are you a fucking psychic? I don't need your help, Simo." I shake my head.

"Manuel," he says, struggling to to speak through the tears.

"Stop lying to yourself and just leave," I say. It's done. I've done it. This was what I wanted and I deserve every bit of it. Simone turns around and walks away. I feel a pain in my throat well up as I try my best not to cry. The throbbing on my bruises worsens. It might as well just fucking explode now.

I want to run after him. I want to stop him and wrap him around my arms and tell him I'm sorry and that I miss Dante too. I want him to turn around.

Turn around Simone.

He doesn't.

It's too late. It's over, Manuel. You've lost him.