The flames to remind you

seven

All three of us stood up and made our way to the dining room, where we met up with the most  of their family, minus a couple. Raven and North sit in in seats next to me on each of my sides.. while everyone is seated along the long mahogany table that stretches the whole length of the room with only a few spare seats in between some of the guys.

I smile lightly at the sights and sounds around the room. Laughter comes from a few and on top of that, the smell of the delicious meal lingers through the air, creating the whole aura of calm, peace and home.

I have to look down at my plate for a moment, so I can fight back the tears that threaten to spill over. I can't help the stabbing pain of envy and longing that shreds through my chest. These men all became family to each other. Been a family for years.

They have a beautiful home, a schedual for themselves. They live each day knowing they have each other to come back to, or talk with. They can be comfortable around each other, not fearing judgment or afraid to be seen as weak.

What do I have? Myself? I talk big game about how I'm better off without my own family. That people only want what they want and will hurt and use you for every drop your worth. But really it's just the mask I give to the world.

Deep inside I feel the whimpering and agony of what I don't have. What I long most for.

Love, friendship, home. So many words that I've yet to truly be able to grasp. My only friend was Theo. And it only lasted days, so does that really count? We didn't even exchange much personal information back then either. And by the time I learned how to run identification checks, it seemed like it would have been to late to try to recreate a friendship with him. Because he would probably have already moved on and forgotten about me by now.

I've never been able to love anyone, nor has anyone been close enough to love me. And home is never home when there's nothing there.

Empty walls and bare halls. Constantly moving place to place means I don't know what it feels like to have one special place to stay. And even if I did, nobody would be there to share it with.

Home is where the heart is, but my hearts been beaten and broken for so long, I think I'll always be homeless. And maybe that's for the best. I've done horrible things in order to survive. I'm not perfect or pure. And anyone that tries to get close gets hurt in the long run, because I come with too much baggage. I was born broken, and I'll most likely die sooner rather than later the same way.

And glancing back up at the table surrounded by love and friendships, I can feel how bad I'm lacking in my own life. Hell, this is the first time I've been invited over to someone's else's house that wasn't for some mission. Really, my life is pathetic.

Most of my days are filled with jobs, and when I'm not working to lure unsuspecting, stupid and conniving men to confess their sins, then I'm at whatever house or hotel catching up on sleep or self care.

While the men around me are so quick to laugh and poke fun at each other playfully, I can't even come up with words to say while simultaneously going through every scenario of what could happen.

It's all exahsting. Not them, but me. Is it possible to be completly over yourself? Maybe get a refund and exchange myself with someone better? Someone with less blood on their hands and more social adeptness?

I internally roll my eyes at myself as Owen and Axel enter and take their seats at the two ends of the table. Owen is still in a suit, and elegantly leans forward and clears his throat for everyone's attention. 

"Thank you for joining us on such short notice Miss. Sang. If you don't mind, gentlemen, introduce yourself if you haven't already met."

I grin at Owen's formal tone as he addresses the table full of his team and me. I just know it erks him a little bit that he can't call me by last name. And I know he would have had someone search for it too.