If I Should Recall // Josh Kiszka

1.

"Stop being afraid"

His voice echos through the darkness, ringing throughout my mind before my eyes snap open.

I inhale a sharp breath as if it's the first I've ever taken, my chest feeling frail and thin like the cobwebs that tangle in the corner of my room.

My hand grips at my bedsheets beneath me, as my mind tip toes into reality.

It was just a dream.

I ponder, as an attempt to reassure myself while my heart pounds so violently within my chest.

I slowly sit up, letting the rays of natural light wash over me through the blinds on the window.

I can't help but feel unsettled.

I've been having these dreams far too frequent for comfort, this eerily realistic world that's made itself a home inside my subconscious.

I have no idea what any of it means. I don't know how to stop them, or why they're even haunting me in the first place. None of it makes sense.

The only thing they all have in common...is him.

A man with messy curls, gentle voice and a smile that could just about clear the rainy skies of grey.

I've heard his name before, when I'm with him in these dreams I know it in my heart like it's poetry written just for me.

But when I'm awake, and I try to remember, it sounds distorted and blurred, like it's been redacted, like it's something I'm not allowed to know.

I find myself feeling so safe with him in the false world that surrounds me as I sleep. But I'm always torn out of it so raggedly, and I'm always left with a pit in my stomach when I'm fully awake. An off feeling, like something just isn't right.

But when I'm submerged in it, he feels so utterly real. In a way that's almost heartbreaking to think about while going about the rest of my day...alone.

It's hard to go in and out of something like that. Sometimes, I really don't even wanna go to sleep when the time comes.

Because it's not real. And it will never be real.

I sigh, rubbing my eyes and swinging my legs over the side of the bed. I take a sip of water from my bedside table, before getting up and trudging my way to the kitchen.

I mindlessly make some toast, and a cup of tea, letting myself drift through a morning routine I've exhausted at this point.

Suddenly, I feel a chill crawling down the back of my spine, and I can feel the goosebumps trickling across my skin. I reflexively shiver, grasping onto the edge of my counter, frozen in place for a moment as every muscle tenses.

I slowly fade out of the uncomfortable state, letting my body soften and exhaling a sigh of relief. I shake my head and furrow my brow, trying to brush it off.

This has been happening fairly often, an odd, unexplainable chill courses through my body at random moments. I really need to see a doctor about it because if I'm honest...it's starting to worry me.

I walk over to the couch and lay down, staring over at the clock.

12:30 pm?

I could have sworn it was 8 when I woke up, and there's no way it took me that much time to do so little.

I swear sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.

I slump off the couch and crawl over to the clock, tapping on it with my fingernail. Maybe it's just a glitch or something.

But alas, no change. "12:30 pm" in glowing red, remains.

Suddenly, I hear the rain begin to fall outside. Loud roaring droplets tap on my roof as it pours.

Strange.

I make my way back to the couch, wrapping myself in a blanket as I listen to the rain.

I begin to think about my dream from last night, and the question he left me with before I opened my eyes.

We were laying on our backs, floating in water. I have no idea where we were, or why we were there, but I do remember feeling consumed with fragility.

"What if we sink?" I say to him, "what if, right now, in a matter of moments, all of our thoughts, feelings, secrets, lies, etcetera...just disappeared forever and all of their matter ceased?" I finish.

He reaches out, grabbing my hand. "Or, what if we layed here, and let ourselves cling to the peace that's presenting itself?" He says, closing his eyes.

"I'm afraid that peace and I might never be friends." I state somberly, tracing the clouds above us with my eyes.

"Stop being afraid" he suggests, firmly, yet kind.

I grumble. "What is the point of you." I say quietly to myself. I run my hands through my hair and turn my head to the side, resting my head on my knee.

My eyes make their way to the clock once again...my chest tightening as I read the numbers.

7:00 pm.

I take a deep breath and squint my eyes, trying to wrap my head around this peculiar situation.

What the hell is going on?

I notice the rain has stopped entirely, and the room is filled with complete silence.

I shoot up from my seat, feeling unnerved and unsure of what to do. I take another deep breath and close my eyes.

The silence around me remains as my vision is submerged in pitch black, the only sound being my shaky breath as I make an effort to calm myself down. Then, suddenly, I hear a voice calling out.

"APRIL!"

My eyes snap open as my body jolts from the scare.

I frantically begin looking around me, trying to figure out where the voice came from. I search every room, every closet, every corner in a panic.

But there's nobody here.

My body feels the way it did earlier, in the midst of the strange chill that came over me. But it's not going away.

I walk over to get a drink of water, trying to slow my rapidly beating heart.

The voice sounded all echoey, but at the same time it was as clear as day, as if it was coming from right next to me.

As I stand there, my mind a clogged jumble of about a billion different things, suddenly it becomes very clear to me.

The voice that called my name,

It was his.