Brand New Eyes

11. Liar, Liar

11. LIAR, LIAR

“My mother died after giving birth to me so I have no recollection of her or what she was like. My father didn’t really like talking about her so I don’t know much about the person she was.”

I was sat in Dr. Carter’s office, twiddling my thumbs as he continued to ask me how I was and what my classes were like

“Didn’t you ever wonder or ask your father why he didn’t like talking about her?” Dr. Carter asked.

“I did a couple of times when I was younger but I saw how much it pained him when he talked about her so I never really asked him; I didn’t want to cause him any pain.”

“Do you regret it?” he asked.

“Regret what?” I asked, I wasn’t sure what he meant.

“Regret not finding out about her?”

I shrugged, “Not at all. I didn’t feel that void many people do when they only have the one parent. With me, it was always Dad and me and that’s what I got used to and accepted. I didn’t know anything otherwise.”

“So, there was never a time where you wanted to find out about your mother?” he pressed.

"Not really” I paused, “I mean growing up, sure, I wanted to know about Mom and Dad answered all the questions I had but then over time, I just accepted that she was gone and that it would be Dad and I, forever.” I winced at my last bit.

“And you were happy with that? Content?” his eyes narrowed.

“Yes.”

He nodded and went on to scribble something down on his pad. I’d been here over an hour already and I just wanted to leave. I still had Dad’s letter to find and get over the fact that I now had a Dance to prepare for.

“Would you like to find out about your mother?” he asked after a moment.

I didn’t know how to answer so I shrugged.

“I mean, don’t you have memories of her stored away anywhere and wouldn’t you like to dig them up and maybe find out more about her. I know you say you’ve accepted her fate but surely you’d like to find out more about your mother” his tone was soft but it was as though he was accusing.

“What’s the point?” I asked indifferently and noticed how he scribbled something down.

“I think it could help with moving on with your father’s death and could be a way of dealing with it” he replied and I dropped my eyes.

“I hardly doubt digging up my mothers memories will help with my mourning” I half whispered, tracing the lines on my palms.

“You never know unless you try” he said and my head shot up.

“What’s the point?” I repeated, “I just lost my father. What’s the point in me finding out everything about my mother, what she was like; what’s the point in getting to know her if she doesn’t exist?” I said as tears stung in my eyes, I dropped my eyes, “I don’t think I can handle losing someone else, even if it’s just a memory.” I whispered.

It was silent for a moment.

“Okay” Dr. Carter said, “That’s totally understandable Scarlett. In my experience, its best after a person loses someone close to them to surround themselves with people. Whether its friends or relatives, it helps with getting back on track with life and moving on. It doesn’t mean you can’t grieve; it just supports you, keeps you stable when you want to, let’s say… just hide away from the world and crumble. I just want to know if you have that.”