The love pentagon

Chapter 19

As Dean drove us back to the bunker, i couldnt shake the feeling of guilt. I didnt know how i was gonna face Cas and Sam. It was hard enough facing Dean and feeling all the guilt for what i did to him. But i was worse to Cas. I let out a deep sigh. I felt like my mind was exploding. How did i become human again? What will Crowley do to me? What will Cas say? What if i lose my humanness again? It wouldnt stop. The questions just kept filling up my brain. We pulled into the parking lot, and Dean stopped the car. I opened the car door and tried to stand up. I was about to get out the cane that the hospital gave me to walk with but Dean walked over and swept me off my feet. He carried me in his arms. I pretended to be asleep because i just wasnt ready to face Cas and Sam. As Dean walked into the bunker, they went silent, and i could only imagine the looks on their faces. No one said anything, and Dean careied me up the stairs to his room. He set me on the bed. Dean kissed my forehead, and then left, quietly shutting the door. Once he was gone, i opened my eyes and sat up on the bed. Being alone again, all i could do was think. And i couldnt stop feeling like..maybe i was meant to be dead. Maybe Dean got in the way of what was supposed to happen. My eyes lingered on the guns on Deans wall. I shook my head. I couldnt be thinking like that. I didnt want to have to think at all. I searched through all Deans thingd until i found a bottle of bourbon. I took a giant gulp, holding back a cough. Then another chug. Then another. Until there was only a sip left. I got ready to take it, when someone knocked on the door. I stuffed the bottle under the blankets, expecting Dean. "Come in" i said weakly. Cas walked in. I pursed my lips and looked down. "Hi" Cas said monotonous. "Hey" i said barely looking at him. I couldnt handle the guilt, and the alcohol was hitting my system. I burst. "Cas im so sorry for what i did to you, and I-I dont know ehat i was thinking..well obviously i wasnt. But i cant take it im so sorry. Its all my fault. I should be dead, thats all i deserve. I wailed to him, tears streaming down my face. I turned away from him and choked tears into my pillow. I accidently pushed the bottle of bourbon and it slid off the bed and smashed onto the floor. Cas came over and sat next to my face. He pulled me into a hug, my tears wettening his shirt. "Dont say stuff like that. Its just the alcohol talking." He said, mostly trying to convince himself. "Stop lieing to yourself. I should be dead." I wailed out again. Cas's arms tightened around me. "You deserve to be alive. You deserve better. You got all mixed up in this. This is our fualt." Cas tried to convince me. "Its my fault" I cried out. "I forgive you. We all do. We all care about you." Cas tried to reason again. "Well you shouldnt!" I shouted. I pulled myself up and pushed him away. "Im supposed to be dead." I yelled at him. I half ran half staggered away. I stepped on the bottle, wincing in pain. Cas got up to trie and grab me. I used all the strangth i had and ran away, down the stairs, crying. I ran into the kitchen. I grabbed a plastic bag and filled it with booze. I grabbed my phone and earbuds. I ran out. Dean tried to grab me. "Im supposed to be dead." I yelled at him half wailing and crying. I ran out of the bunker using all my strangth. My entire body ached. I ran and ran. Still crying. I could still see Dean behind me. I came to a shitty car and smashed the window. I turned it on just in time as Dean reached me. He tried to yank open the door but i sped ahead. I sweeved around still going full speed. I drove until i came to a giant bridge. I put in my earbuds. I listened to "eclipse" by pink floyd. I turned it up so loud that it hurt. I chugged down the bottle of bourbon. I stuck it in my bra, so i coukd use my hands. I heaved myself up to the railing of the bridge and slowly stood up, clinging to a beam. I looked down at the water. It looked miles away. Thrashing and crashing against the sharp rocks. I took a deep gulp of bourbon. I coughed. I stared into the dark blue waters. They say, when you drown, after you cant hold your breathe anymore, you breathe in. You breathe in the water. And there are seven seconds before your heart stops. And all you feel is peace. Silence. And then everything is over. No more birthdayparties. No more music. No more people. Nothing but peace. I took a deep breathe. And jumped.