Once Upon an Avenger

Chapter 35: Boogeyman

After over an hour of tossing and turning in bed, Steve decided to get up and make himself a drink. He was about to pour himself a glass of milk when he noticed a dim light coming from the hallway that led down to the gym. Wondering who could possibly be in there given the time, he decided to investigate.

He was expecting it to be Bucky working out, yet another restless night for the other super soldier. Even if Hope had managed to stop his nightmares about his past with Hydra, he was still haunted by the memories of not only what they did to him, but also of what they had made him do to others.

Much to Steve's surprise, when he reached the doorway, he didn't catch sight of his old friend taking out his frustration on one of the many training dummies. Instead, he saw Hope lying on one of the weights benches, headphones in and a half-empty bottle of Rum in her hand.

Standing over her, he pulled one of her earbuds out. "What are you doing?"

"Training," she said, as though it was the obvious answer.

"It's half past twelve."

"And?"

He pointed to the bottle in her hand. "And it looks more like drinking to me."

"I'm having a break," she told him.

Steve sighed and put his hand in the pockets of his navy-blue tracksuit bottoms that he wore as pyjamas, before asking, "is this about what I said earlier?"

"Haven't I already told you that my life doesn't revolve around you?" She scoffed.

"Then what's this about?"

Hope took a swig of Rum. "You seem fixated on the fact that something's wrong, when it's not."

He looked at her, eyes full of worry - not that she could see, her eyes closed once more. "You once told me that when things get too much, you shut yourself off--"

"I'm just tired," she said, cutting him off.

"— Explaining to me that you tell people you're tired because you don't want them to worry, when in reality, you've stopped yourself from being able to feel anything at all."

"It's a good theory, mate, but—"

"But you almost got strangled to death this morning and 'didn't feel anything'," he said, referring to their earlier conversation on the Quinjet.

"What's your point?" She snapped.

"Talk to me..."

"I'd rather not."

"Why?"

Hope sat up, drinking some more as she did. "Because the last conversation I had with someone didn't end well. Tasha was trying to talk to me about you, being the good friend she is, and I ended up driving a dagger straight through her heart."

"Romanoff is tough," he stated. "She knows you're under a lot of stress."

"You didn't see the way she looked at me." She stared into the top of her bottle, wanting to drown her sorrows in the amber liquid it contained. "I've never had friends outside of my family, never had girlfriends before, and now I do. She's like a sister to me, both her and Wanda are. But because I wasn't strong enough, because I couldn't keep the walls that I've spent years building from cracking, I might have lost her."

"You haven't lost her..."

"I told her that I wanted nothing more than to be back home with my family and the people I love." Hope looked away, ashamed of her own words. "There's no coming back from that. I'm supposed to be a 'beacon of good'," she said, air quoting the words, "only able to do the right thing, but there was nothing right about that. I fucked up when I let my guard down, and then again when I opened my bloody mouth. She hates me and I can't even complain because I deserve it."