The Lost Letters: The Dark World of Narcissistic Abuse

Find Love. Real Love

If you are a survivor of narcissistic abuse, you will have likely chosen a long, voluntary period of physical solitude. Of trusting no one. Of at most, engaging in superficial connections, online flirtations you can end with the push of a button. But one day, it will come—you can count it—the longing to love and be loved again. Of being with a real, live human being, of feeling their warmth, their touch, their skin against yours. Of being held, kissed. Loved. Of kissing them back, holding them against your chest, your heart beating in time with theirs.

At times your longing will be overwhelming. It is human nature after all. We are not solitary creatures. We are social animals, as the multiple lockdowns and enforced restrictions of the COVID pandemic has tragically proven. Being alone for any length of time is unbearable for most. A handful will not mind it so much. But even the toughest will need to connect with another person at some point. We all need to experience love and connection eventually. No one is exempt. And when that need comes, it blindsides you.

It becomes all you see. Couples holding hands, young and old. Your friends suddenly finding love and flourishing. Your neighbours inviting you to their wedding. Films and shows, books and articles featuring love will pop up on your feed as if your online tech can hear your thoughts (or at least your conversations).

But for you . . . No one. You wonder if this is going to be it for you. No one to lay down beside ever again. Just you on your own for the rest of your life surrounded by a growing collection of cats.

Encouraged by friends, at last you give in and post a dating profile online only to learn the horror stories are in fact, true. It's a cesspool of married men looking to cheat, players who want to play, boys young enough to be your son looking for a sugar mommy, and all out perverts who write disgusting things they want to do to you that makes your flesh crawl. You retreat. The longing persists. Well, you reason, it's just a biological imperative. It will pass. These things often do. You feed yourself the usual platitudes as you prepare your morning tea: If I am meant to meet someone, I will. It will just happen.

Then, as you pour the milk you recall how you met your narcissist. That 'just happened'.

Hm.

For those of us recovering from the trauma of a narcissistic relationship we need to be extremely careful when it comes time to seek love again. Although, take heart, there are things you can do to prepare yourself, a checklist of sorts.

First, if you have not yet begun to fully trust yourself, your senses, and especially your instincts, ask yourself if you are truly ready to judge the potential of a future partner with a clear heart and mind. If you are not, get your trust in yourself right. This part is critical. You will need it for what comes next. Go back to the previous chapter and practice the strategies in there until you feel your trust in yourself strengthen. Until then, you are at risk of re-traumatising yourself. Please don't. You have come too far to lose everything now. In Part IV, there are more strategies to help you gain trust and strength in yourself. They are there to help you, to arm you and protect you against those who seek to destroy you.

It turns out narcissists leave a mark on their targets, which is a beacon to other narcissists. It says: 'This one is food.' Long after they are gone you will become aware of this phenomenon when other narcissists enter your life and circle you—hyenas scavenging for the scraps left from the alpha's feeding.

Of course, while you are still healing, it won't be the overt ones like your ex who come for you. Those will pass you over for other more bountiful, untouched supplies. But the others, the 'weaker' narcissists, oh, they will come in droves. These insidious so-called 'covert' narcissists possess enormous amounts of charisma, and can weave charming tales of woe, injustice, and suffering, sometimes with self-deprecating humour that totally blinds you to what they are. You begin to build a perverse bond with them. After all, you are wounded too. You have a lot in common. It feels familiar. You could fight to get better together. You like this idea. Nurture it. One point for them.