A Borderline's Awakening

Emotionless

I can't feel emotions. Its all gone right now.

My husband keeps telling me to not bother about my parents but I cant. He makes me feel horrible that I cant but I am the wrong one. I should be able to bend my mind toward what he wants.

No I shouldnt feel this way but I do. I feel like He is a scary person and I keep feeling guilty about that because he cares for me.

I want him to leave me so he can have a happy life but he is attached to me and that would break his heart. I am obviously trying to get rid of anyone who cares so I could go ahead and do the inevitable and just end it all.

I feel no love, no emphathy and no good judgement. Its like the pain has severed my connection to my inner peace. Like everything I was working on feels like trash.

The cult I came from always told me what was right or wrong so I never had to think about good morals. Now I am obessessed with philosophy because the teachings of Plato and his students and their students gave me choices on what I could choose to believe to be happiness.

The diffrence between the morals of a philosipher and the cult I was in is so diffrent. I wish I was never born. I wish I never had to have all these thoughts. Its constantly bombarding my mind. I want to end it all.

It is so easy yet so hard.

I hate life right now and everything it has to offer.

The warm embrace of death seems so welcoming right now that I just want to embrace it forever.

The cold, sharp blade on my soft brown skin, blood oozing out slowly and the ease of tention under my skin. It feels just right. All I need to do is find the right bloodvessel and snip it after taking a few sleeping aids.

Its such a beautiful thought. Such comfort. The one thing that is always there for you. The dark empty void that looks like true happiness to me. Somewhere where no one can hurt you or harm you.

A place where your friends dont hate each other and a place where no one trys to minipulate you.

The days are slow and cold. The cold biting my nerves off. My brain seems to be slowly degenerating with every second.

The cult, the abuse, the neglect, the feeling of being just a victim.

I dont want to please my parents or make them proud. I wish I could be enough for myself.

That beautiful blade that brings me back to life. That wonderful pain that reminds me that I will only have myself. That ease of knowing that I can distract my mind from its tormil.

I always want to blame my 'parents' but they are always the hurt ones and I am always the one who hurts them by being mentally ill because of them.

So I am not sorry when I finally kill myself mom and dad.

You guys did a great job at teaching me there is no other way than to just deal with it myself or go to a mental hospital and my husband being the one to tell me to stop thinking about my parents.

Great just like that i am now a person who is perfect, all i have to do is stop being a dramatic person and stop talking about the trauma and the pain. Take drugs and kill yourself slowly. I wish I could push a button and everything goes away. I wish I was burned alive in a fire. I wish I was drowned in the sea. I wish I was torn apart by wild animals. How i wish for a grand fate as theirs. For their pain was all and all over.

I want to be apart of the 10% of people who end up dying. The 10% of those who has borderline.

Maybe if I had some disease like some disabiliaty that they could tangibly see maybe they would treat me with more compassion? Who knows.

My father said to me that I am this way and he cant help me. It broke my heart because there is so many ways he can but maybe because he is guilty that he abused me thats why he isnt willing to accept that.

He said I hold 2 things against him while he gave me everything else. Hate to break it to you parents but all i needed was love and guidance but all I got was toys and rules.

I hate who I became. I hate my upbringing. I wish I was never concieved and alot of times I create my own world to live in. There no one is against me. Not even my tboughts.

I wish I were dead.