Sundance

16. Blame (Tobirama)

I knocked on his trailer door.

I leaned my forehead against it while waiting for him to open, exhausted. I hadn't slept at all. I had packed everything yesterday, and was taking the train to London in a couple of hours. I had rented my apartment there to a friend, and they had a one month notice before I would get it back, so I would just stay at a nice hotel for the three weeks that were left; I wasn't short of money. I would leave my truck to Hashirama for free; his roomie would keep the one they'd had together that wasn't as nice as mine was.

But even if everything was settled, I had been unable to sleep. And the reason was the thoughts whirring around my head.

I know exactly why Izuna went to that tent and was as uncareful as he was, I thought. It was because of me, how easily I treated him just like every other man had ever treated him. And HE now has to pay the price.

The thought of people in the circus finding out filled me with dread. They would blame me. And I honestly wanted them to because I deserved no better. Them not finding out wasn't an option, really. Or, at least it wasn't an option that would satisfy me.

He opened the door.

"Tobirama."

"Can we take a walk?"

We walked silently beside each other, me and my twin that didn't even know he was my twin, the gravel crunching pleasantly beneath our feet. We took a few turns in the big park where the circus was still located ever since Izuna's accident.

"I hate it", he said.

"I know you do", I said dryly.

"No, I'm not talking about that!" he said quickly. I looked at him sideways. "I don't mean I hate what has happened to Izuna's appearance. I mean, I hate that I took it so badly. I hate that I take it so badly. It makes me wonder what the fuck it was I felt regarding him because it cannot have been the love he deserves. He deserves better."

"No", I said. "He deserves different. You'll be good for someone. He'll be good for someone. I had hoped it would be me, but apparently not."

"I'm sorry", was all Hashirama said. "I honestly am. I wasn't before, but now I have realised me and Izuna... I am sorry because I think the two of you would be good together. You don't worship him like other men do. You just like him a lot. And that has allowed him to open up to you, to show off his deepest parts. He is a very, very difficult man. You make him easy."

I had never considered Izuna to be easy, but decided not to say anything.

"You're wrong about one thing", I said. Honestly, I thought he was wrong about a lot of things, but since I had no intention of staying in touch with him I decided to let those things go.

"Yes?"

"I don't like him a lot. I love him."

Hashirama was quiet, a calm radiating from him I hadn't sensed before. He will be fine.

"Hashirama, there's something I need to tell you."

"You're making me nervous."

"Yeah..." I said.

"I take it this means I should be nervous? What, are you going to ask me out?"

I couldn't help but smile. He really had no idea. Izuna figured it out himself. I suspected Madara had figured it out, too. We weren't identical twins so we didn't look alike any more than regular brothers, but I did see some similarities. Our long, thin noses, our high cheekbones. Once, I had noticed we had exactly the same toes, but it would've been remarkable if anyone else noticed that.