Shivers

Chapter 9

(Too Close By Alex Clare)

Emerald's Pov

"What the hell do you want?" I grumbled out as I slowed my skates down.

"Jeez, what's got you in a mood?" Victoria, my best friend, asked as Lauren laughed.

"Seeing your face here." I rolled my eyes with a smile on my face.

"Are you almost done with practice?" She waved her hand around then to her outfit.

"No. You can go to the party without me. I'll be here for a while."

Lauren was packing up to leave, so she looked at me with a confused expression. Victoria let out a sigh angrily, before she rushed out of the building. She didn't have to stay here the entire time I was practicing. I told her I didn't want to go to the party either.

"Emmy, don't wear yourself out." Lauren said and I shook my head.

"I know, and I'll be fine." I tied my laces tighter and grabbed my airpods from my bag before putting them in.

As Lauren walked away I took my phone out and opened spotify. I turned on my playlist and put my phone on the edge of the wall. After I made sure it was working, and that my airpods were at full blast. I let out a breath before I just let everything go.

It's been three years since I've been home. I'm about to graduate, I just got broken up with, and I'm going into a figure skating competition that could be a ticket to the olympics. Safe to say I've gotten my life together.

Ever since that night when I was a complete dick, I blocked everyone out, and I've worked on myself and only myself. That was until I met Robbie. I fell for Robbie quickly. At first I saw him as a rebound from Luke, but then I realized that my feelings for him were growing.

That was until he broke up with me out of nowhere. That's when I realized that I don't think I ever loved Robbie.

As soon as he broke up with me, I pushed everyone away once again. Those words started to haunt me again. And I hated it, but I brought it upon myself.

"The Emerald I fell in love with is fucking gone and got replaced by this girl who doesn't give one single fuck about anyone."

I think it's safe to say i realized how much i fucked up, and i realized how much i couldn't get bacl. Those feelings that I fought off when I was a teen. They were not just mine. They were never just mine. He had the same ones I did.

June is in the NHL. I talk to him once a week. I have no idea how anyone else is doing. Aunt Mel calls sometimes. Josie hasn't talked to me since the day Luke and I fought, and Ciara texts me every once in a while.

I guess we were all just growing up. And that's a part of life. After Luke and I fought, I didn't come home for any holiday. And now, I'm going home tomorrow. For the first time in three years for christmas. Aunt Mel's son, Aryia, is coming into town. June is coming home as well.

It's a choice that I wanted to pass up, but didn't because I realized that I've grown since that argument. As a person, I became stronger. I started going to therapy to help my anger. As much as I hated that, it did help. I took DJ classes and now I DJ at bars, weddings, birthdays, you name it, I can do it.

I felt my legs start to cramp up and my music started to buffer. I realized that my phone was too far away. Once I started moving back to where my phone was, my legs gave out and I dropped to the ice. I let out a huff as I tried to stand back up, and just fell again. I laid my head back and groaned.

I plugged the charger into my phone as I snuck back into the apartment, not wanting to wake Lauren up. We were leaving early tomorrow, and we were driving together.

We would each drive half. She would drive the first half, and I would drive the second. June already was at the house, he texted me right as i got home, and sent me a picture of him with Teddy. Luke's dog. I haven't heard how Luke was doing, from anyone.

There is a part of me that wants to stay home tomorrow because I don't want to face the man I was once in love with. But a part of me knows that we both grew up. Those silly little school girl crushes aren't going to be there any more.

One of my college friends is watching my parrot. His name is Deez. He's very swag. Victoria is coming with us, she's passed out on the couch currently. I quietly showered and got into comfy clothes before I went to bed.

I was not ready for hell tomorrow, because I know that's what it will be. I look at my wall and read the words out, like I do before I go to bed every night. Ever since our fight, I've done it. It's a habit that stuck. After he blocked me, I wrote these words on my wall.

"Do you ever get this strange feeling when you leave a person you love? Like you don't know if you'll miss them or miss where you were. The place. The homey feeling they gave you. The feelings you had with that person, and only that person. Then you leave and mess everything up, but a part of you is stuck there. Then you feel lost."

I'm slowly learning that even if I react, it won't change anything. It won't make people change their minds. It won't make people think differently. Sometimes it's better to let things go, and let it be. Let people go and let rumors go.

The rumors picked up after everything. And I turned a blind eye. I stopped caring, I stopped being the Emerald everyone here knew, and I started being the Emerald that I was back in Boston.

I stopped searching for answers and I started letting the answers find me. I stopped caring about how other people thought, and I stopped caring about how I looked when I went to school.

I'm slowly learning to live a life that isn't centered around everyone else. I'm living for myself now. I worked around my inner self and I worked around my inner peace. I made amends with myself. And I didn't need anyone to be proud of me, because I am proud of myself.

I don't need Aunt Mel to be proud, June, Josie, Ciara, my parents, but most importantly. I don't need Luke to be proud of me. All I need is myself, because at the end of the day, that's all I'll have.
I'll be the only person I wake up with every day, go to sleep with every day.

I will eat every meal, take every shower, cut my hair, and ice skate. I will always be the person that's always there for myself. Even when my world is crashing down, I know that I'll be able to survive, because I am who I wanted to be. I am myself. And there is nobody I would rather be.

I wonder if anyone would be proud of me, and how I'm making big changes in my life. How I'm holding myself together. How I'm pushing myself to my limits. How I'm reaching for bigger and better goals. Though I don't need them to be, maybe things would be different.

Maybe I wouldn't have blown up on Luke and we would be together. Maybe I wouldn't have come to Philly and found myself. This was all my life, and I needed every single step of it. The good and the bad. I needed it all.

1347 Words