Purposefully Hating Cedric

25

Come as You Are, as You Were, as I Want You to be. As a Friend, as a Friend,
As an Old Enemy

-

I find myself having to feign a smile on the bus ride to the station, regardless of the fact that I'm in a compartment surrounded by my Gryffindor friends and Sydney.

It wasn't an issue trying to convince the Weasley's to extend an invitation to Syd, considering how they'd never had any issues with her.

It's really difficult to be in high spirits with the weight of Cedric and me no longer being friends on my shoulders. It had hurt yesterday, but the pain increased tenfold after I'd given it time to sink in. I should be in a compartment with him right now planning out how we're going to spend the next two weeks together. 

I absolutely adore my friends, don't get me wrong, and I'm very excited to get to spend my spring break with them, but the knowledge that I have to be apart from Cedric for the next two weeks, and possibly even when we get back to Hogwarts, dawns on me like a sickness. I knew that I shouldn't have allowed myself to get close with him again, even just as best friends. Losing someone who's both a best friend and the person you like as more all in one hurts even worse than a typical breakup. 

"Hey, you okay?" Sydney pulls my attention away from the window. 

"Yeah." I smile. "Just tired." It's not a complete lie. The pain in my chest has drained me both physically and mentally. I just hope it starts to fade and doesn't put a damper on my mood throughout the whole break. 

It's almost evening by the time we all arrive at the burrow. Molly immediately gets to work making dinner while the rest of us file into the living room and bundle up on the many couches. Hermione of course opens a textbook almost instantly upon sitting down, Ron and Harry jump into a game of Wizards Chess, the twins get to work on brainstorming up some more items for their joke shop, and Ginny and I decide to read the book Red Queen together, solely for Maven of course. 

Being around all of my friends and in the comfort of the burrow is a very pleasing distraction from the hurt in my chest, but there still are moments when I find my mind wandering back to him. It's in those moments where I find my emotions slowly transforming from those of sadness into those of frustration and betrayal. Things between Cedric and me had been going so well. In fact, we'd nearly returned to being as close as we were in year two. But no, Cedric decided to sabotage everything. Even if the kiss had been genuine, it still hurts that he'd be willing to throw away our friendship because I'm into another guy. Although, I shouldn't be surprised, considering how that's exactly what happened in year three. 

So, with full bellies and a warm bed to sleep in tonight, I find myself angry at my feelings. I feel stupid and selfish for being so put off by a boy, when I have absolutely everything to be thankful for, which I truly am very grateful. I just don't know how I can force myself to be happy, when my emotions do the absolute opposite. 

"What's going on with you and Riddle?" I stare up at the ceiling, unable to see anything in the dark, but I know Sydney's awake on her bed beside me. Maybe talking about other people's relationships will help distract me from mine. 

I hear Sydney sigh quietly. "Things are just confusing, I guess," she says. "I'd say we're in the talking stage, but is it really still the talking stage when you've been in it for four months?"

"Have you guys talked about making things official?" I ask. 

"Somewhat," she responds. "Either he has heavy commitment issues, or he doesn't want me as anything more than a fuck buddy, because every time I've brought up putting a label on us, he just avoids it."