Always tired (bnha agere)

Chapter Twenty: Hero Secrets

Cw: daddy issues, mocking of regression, public torment, dissociation, anxiety

As he made his way to his seat at the back of class, the last thing on Todoroki's mind was Chemistry. Instead, he found himself thinking of his mother.

He was older now - an independent teenager. His childhood was far behind him but he still missed those hugs he'd gotten from his mother. Her familiar face and feather-soft skin. When she had wrapped her arms around him, he'd felt so small and safe.

His father never gave him such. Your father is someone who is supposed to keep you away from the monsters of the world. He's supposed to comfort his child, hold them against his chest and assure them it'll all be okay.

Instead, Shoto's father himself, was the monster he was intended to fight against. But somehow, in that sick, delirious way, Todoroki still cared. Maybe it was the desperate child within him, pleading, crying for love, but Shoto could not get himself to fully hate his father. Despite all the pain, the grief, the hurt, Shoto still daydreamed about an alternative world - one where his father had been a father.

Suddenly, Shoto was jerked from his thoughts. Somebody at the front of class was laughing like mad. Other students seemed to notice as well and soon a crowd formed near the front. The teacher had gone to grab some textbooks so the gaggle was unmoderated. Cautiously, Shoto slunk forward. Sure, he didn't care much for school gossip but it was good to know what was going on anyways.

Peering past some students, Todoroki was able to make out a face he recognised, hovering in the centre of the crowd: Kaminari.

Strange, Todoroki thought. He didn't figure Denki to be somebody who could hold the spotlight. If Shoto was being honest with himself, he didn't find the boy to be particularly charismatic either. The blonde just seemed to bumble through life with an awkward grin, hauling a bag full of pens out of ink and ten day late assignments.

The reality was hot and prickling. Denki wasn't in the middle of this for a positive reason like Todoroki originally guessed. Oh no, it wasn't because the blonde had told the funniest joke or destroyed somebody with a smart comeback. It was something utterly awful...

"Dude, this is weird, even for you." Mineta's obnoxious voice crawled out from somewhere in the group. Denki backed against his desk like some sort of cornered animal. His bag had been dumped out onto the floor; the contents strewn about for people to see. Shoto's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't focus on what he was looking at. People were talking but he couldn't process what they were saying.

On the floor lay a worn stuffed animal and some figurines. Somehow, that wasn't it because someone waved about a small blue notebook, laughing as another three students gawked at the pages. Was this... No, there was no way, right? Todoroki felt faint, steadying himself against the desk beside him. Kaminari looked his worst. His eyes had gotten distant and murky. Shoto wondered if he was even still in the same room as the rest of them.

It felt too real. Todoroki gulped hard and silently crept back to his desk. This was the reality. This would be the outcome if he let his regression get exposed. As much as he felt for Denki. As much as Shoto hurt to witness the darkness that fell upon the blonde's once dancing honey eyes, he could not risk suspicion. He could not come to Kaminari's defence the way he wanted. Todoroki could not bring himself to try.

When the teacher returned, everyone bolted back to their desks, leaving Denki to half heartedly shove everything back in his bag. Todoroki flicked through the pages of his workbook. The news would be through the whole year group by lunchtime. Shoto dreaded returning to the dorms and what insanity may occur. Surely not everyone would act the same. Well, Uraraka, Iida and Midoriya would probably be a different case.

When lunch finally came, Todoroki took his usual seat at the table with Izuku, Iida, Uraraka and Tsu. Terribly enough, no matter how hard he looked, Todoroki could not see Denki in the canteen. Ochaco was first to mention it.

"Did you guys hear about what happened with Kaminari?" she leant across the table, her hair dangling dangerous close to the messy food. Midoriya nodded, pinching up some of her hair and keeping it out of the lunch.
"I feel really sad for him. Its horrible what happened." Izuku responded, eyes flitting about, appearing to do his own brief search of the room for the blonde. "Didn't it happen in your Chemistry class, Shoto?"

Todoroki sipped some of his water. The memory of it was burnt into his head and kept returning to bite him.
"Yes." he answered coolly. He didn't want the others to know how badly it scared him.

The others at the table continued to chat but Todoroki wasn't engaged in it anymore. His palms were soaking and he had to put in all his remaining effort to stop his legs from shaking. Maybe it was the second hand fear he had for Denki. Maybe it was the uncertainty of what would happen during the rest of the day. There was a single, special person Todoroki was particularly nervous of the reaction of and that was none other than Katsuki Bakugo.