𝘢 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 ~ dnf

step 5.

denial ~

Ah, yes. The very worst part about this all was feeling like it didn't happen. I had convinced myself that he wasn't dead. I began hallucinating and talking to the air. All because I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he was actually gone and no longer alive.

I cried so many times. It was down to the point where I wouldn't even get out of bed or eat for several days on end. I was incredibly heart broken, but who could blame me? The love of my life had just died and I couldn't even get out of bed to talk to anybody.

But there was one person who always had my back no matter what. And that was Sapnap. My best friend and the man George almost married.

"You have to take care of yourself, man. Get out of bed, talk to somebody if you need it. You can't just continue living like nothing happened, you're miserable." He stood next to my bed, staring at me as I didn't move a muscle. Still in the same position I had slept in.

I groaned, tugging the blanket further over my shoulders. "Trust me, I don't want it to be like this, but I have no control. I can't just get up and do things like i'd like to."

"I know, but you don't even try. George would've wanted you to be happy. You know he hates seeing you sad, he used to tell me about it all the time." Sapnap tried to cheer me up, but it wasn't working. I couldn't be happy without George by my side.

I turned to the other side. Clinging to my pillow and messing with a silky tag attached to it. "Why does everybody talk about him like he's dead?"

Sapnap paused for a moment. Tripped up on his words. He cleared his throat. "Because he is. You just can't accept that, because you're in denial." He explained.

I shook my head. "No he's not. George isn't dead."

He sighed. "Yes he is. His funeral is today. You have to go."

I didn't say anything. I just laid there silently, ignoring everything he was saying. I knew he was talking about George. So I just didn't listen. I didn't want to listen.

Sapnap exhaled deeply. He sat next to me on the bed and patted my back. It made me feel a little better. "Can't you listen to me?"

"What else is there to listen to? I'm alone. George won't talk to me anymore and I think i'm hallucinating. I keep seeing his dead body in that hospital bed and no matter what I do, I just can't seem to get away from it." I looked at him with so much sorrow implanted beneath my eyes. He seemed to have noticed it, because his bottom lip puckered out and his eyebrows downturned.

"You don't have to be alone. I'm right here. You just need closure. Please, just come to his funeral." Sapnap begged, his eyes pleading with all their might. He tried to smile at me, but it fell.

I shook my head, still denying the fact that he was dead. "Why me? Of all people, why me?" I questioned, watching as Sapnap's brows furrowed in confusion.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

I swallowed the saliva gathered in my mouth. "Why do I have to be the one hallucinating about him dying? And why does it hurt so bad?"

Sapnap spoke without hesitation. He knew exactly what he was going to say before he even said it. "Because you love him. And you're not hallucinating, you're just replaying the sight of his lifeless body in your head." He patted my back some more.

I huffed. "Was anything we ever had real?" I asked suddenly, wanting to know if I was crazy or if I had just been secluded to my room for so long, that I didn't know what was real and what was fake.