And here we go again

let's go to new york

Frida grabbed the last pullover from her bed, folded it and put it in her suitcase befor closing it. It was February 3rd and tonight she would fly to New York to visit her grandson Jonathan who would celebrate his birthday in two days and she of course couldn't miss the opportunity to celebrate with him. She would spent two weeks in New York and than would fly back to her home in Switzerland, Zermatt.

Her doctors where there and she needed to know what was going on with her hip and what she needed to do to finaly life without the pain again. She would stay in Zermatt for a few weeks and afterwards she would fly back to Sweden, or at least that was her plan.

Flashback

Benny and Frida had decided to spent a relaxed day together, just watching movies, cuddel and cook together. It was something they used to do very often in the early seventies when they still had time to spent those little moments together and their private time was not consumed by the fame and work yet.

Winter was still very present and dominante and the weather in Stockholm was horrible cold and dark. That caused Benny and Frida to cuddel and wrap theirselves in one and the same blanket. The movie they had just watched while having dinner had ended and now they were just talking. Benny has his arm wrapped around her should and she had laid her head on his shoulder and grabbed the hand which was hanging down from her shoulder. 

"What will you do for Jonathan birthday?" Benny asked, somehow they came to talk about their grandchildren and he knew Jonathan's birthday was just around the corner

"I think the same as every other year, I'll fly to visit him" she answerd as she linked her fingers with his

"When will you fly?"

"I think on the 3rd of February. I usually always fly around that time so I can spent more time with him" she explained and for some seconds a silence fell between the two of them

"I'll come with you!" Benny suddenly said and looked down at her to see her reaction. Frida raised her head from his shoulder and looked at him with an suprised look, she was not sure how to react but the truth was she didn't want him to come with her

"Benny, I don't think that's a good idea" she replied and literally saw Benny's gaze of excitement fall from his face

"I don't understand" he began confussed "Why not?"

"I don't think it's convenient to show ourselves together in public" she explained but he looked at her puzzled, he still had no clue what she meant

"I mean I don't want people to make wrong conclusions" she said

"Wrong conclusion? What do you mean?" he asked but slowly began to get what she meant

"We can't walk around together in public just like that, people will think we do have something"

"And what's wrong with that? We are partners so there's nothing with wrong conclusions"

Yes but..." suddenly she did not know how to explain to Benny what was going trough her head but he had understand her silence already perfectly well

"It's because between you and I there is nothing right? Not officially" he said a hitch of pain noticeable in his voice

"Of course there is but" she began but he stopped her from continuing

"but you would never make it officially right?" he asked as he let go of her and stood up, running his hand trough his thin white hair in frustration

"Benny I cannot" she whispered, feeling herself shiver by the sudden lack of contact

"But why not?!" he began to get upset and it was hearable in his voice and to see in his gestures

Frida said nothing and pressed her lips together, trying to hold back her urge of crying "Benny..." she whispered but he interrupted once more

"No Anni-Frid" he began "I don't want to hear your damn excuses again! I don't want to always hide in between our four walls! I want ro be able to take your hand in public, to kiss or hug you in public, I don't want to act like you mean nothing to me, like there is nothing between you and I" he sighted out aggressively, thinking of what to say next "we are together for almost two month again and in the beginning I understood your fear and insecurity or whatever but I do not want to hide forever" he stopped for a moment befor saying something she didn't expect to hear "stand by me or there is nothing more to say between us"

Frida looked at him, not believing what he had just said, it couldn't be. Why couldn't he just understand how hard it was for her?

"You cannot mean that" she whispered

"I can! I don't want a faked relationship" he said and finished with his words of anger

"You think this is fake?" she asked and now a singel tear escaped her eye

"Frida I love you but it's obviously that I am not enough for you, you don't love me" to hear that made Frida angry and sad at the same time but mostly angry. She also got up, stood tall infront of him and pointed at him with her index finger about to break out

"Don't you dare! How can you say I don't love you when I have done nothing but show you that I love you? I have shown you that you are the man I love most! I love you and it's enough prove that I have given you another chance even after all the damage that you've done to me!" she shouted, her heart racing in her cheat unstoppable

"Don't blame everything on me again! You were as much to blame as I was" he shouted back

"Just because you couldn't bear my depression doesn't mean I was to blame! I was not in faul! I couldn't change how I felt, I couldn't influence my mental stage" she continued to scream leaving even Benny stunned

"I lost my baby and all you did was turning away from me, leaving me alone and cheating on me! I put such a huge trust in you when I decided to give you another chance, I felt that we deserved it, that we deserved another chance but I apparently was wrong... all I asked for was a bit of time but when you cannot even give me that maybe you are right, maybe you and I are just not meant to be together" she ended in a whispered, feeling her heart wrinkel and her legs giving in. She fell to sit on the couch and took some deep heavy breaths, trying to clam herself down but the heartache was stronger.

Benny looked at her worried and despite his pride apporched her, her health was the most important thing "are you okay?" he asked, carefully grabbing her by the shoulder but she backed away "leave me alone" she hissed and that was enough for him

He got up and made his way to entrace, opening the door and when he had stepped out slamming it closed without even saying anything else. Than Frida broke down in tears

Flashback end

Without realising it the tears had already began to flow from Fridas eyes again like a vein. It had been two weeks since she last had spoken to Benny. They didn't met again nor had they talked again and tonight she would leave Sweden for indefinite time and was not sure what to do. Should she call Benny again or maybe he would call, he knew she'd leave tonight. But on the other hand he hadn't made any effort to reapporch her, but neither did she. Maybe the best was to leave that topic behind and focus on what awaited her in those next few weeks.

Life didn't let them be happy and maybe she shoul accept that between Benny and her nothing was to save.