Paper Cuts

Chapter 4

"Hey, Ollie," my dad greeted as I shot into the house with V close behind. "How was the..." But I didn't stop to converse. Since I told his best friend to fuck off, I knew I'd see him soon.

After shutting the door, I flopped onto my bed. I played my favorite game: worst-case scenario. Worst-case scenario, he grounded me for a month. I had only been grounded once for a week because I convinced Becca she was a robot. I probably would have just had a standard go to your room for the night, but the joke ended up giving Becca nightmares that she would run out of power or short-circuit in the shower for weeks. This felt worse than that.

I was surprised by how gentle his knock was. I expected him to burst into my room in fevered anger.

"Ollie, can I come in?" His voice was thin, with no traces of anger.

"Yeah." My voice choked on the word as tears filled my eyes. But it didn't feel like the usual fear of being in trouble that pulled them to my eyes. There was a sadness at my dad's kindness that hurt something deep inside me.

"Everything okay?" He asked from the doorway.

"Mmhmm," I managed.

"You don't look okay," he noted.

The tears spilled over like a torrential downpour.

"Hey, it's okay." He slid in next to me and wrapped his arms around me like I was a toddler. Usually, I d push him away, but I needed him to keep me together. His protection felt like the only thing keeping me from shattering into a million confused pieces.

"I'm a terrible person. I'm not even sure if I am a person," I moaned.

"What? Hey, you're a person. You're one of my favorite people." His hand smoothed over my hair as he spoke in hushed tones. "Why would you think you weren't a person?"

"I don't like any boys. Everyone likes someone except me. I'm broken."

"Ollie, you're not broken. When you meet the right person, you'll have a crush, and then you'll get your heart broken, and then you'll get another crush. And eventually, you'll find the person who doesn't break your heart."

"How do you know? What if I find no one that feels like magic?"

"Sweetie, you're fifteen; you've got a lot of years of magic in front of you; just keep your eyes open."

"You don't have magic," I argued. "Are you lonely?"

"How could I be lonely? I have you and your sister." He kissed my head gently as he spoke.

I wiped my eyes and looked at his face. "Don't you want to be in love?"

"Sure, but you can't force love."

"I feel like I don't fit in at all," I sighed.

My dad stifled a smile. "In my experience, most people don't feel like they fit in. I sure didn't feel like anything made sense until I found my first person."

"Your first-person? It was V, right?"

"No, it wasn't V. Why are you suddenly so committed to V and I being together?"

"I want you to be happy. I want you to have magic." And then I took a deep breath and added, "and I hate Carrie. She's the worst."

"Hate is a very strong word," my dad cautioned.

"I know, but sometimes you have to use strong words to say how you are really feeling." I sighed. "Like with V. That is how I was feeling at that moment. I'm sorry I said it, but it was honest."

"V? What did you say to V?" My dad's eyebrows furrowed, and I realized at that moment that V hadn't ratted me out, but now I had to rat myself out.

"I told her to fuck off." After my admission, I burrowed my head into his chest, unwilling to see the disappointment in his eyes.

"Oh, Ollie," my dad sighed.

"I'm a terrible person. She's the best, and I'm the worst," I lamented.

"Sweetheart, you're not the worst. Being a teenager is hard. Sometimes you say things to people you love because you know they won't hold it against you. V won't hold it against you, but you have to apologize."

"She probably doesn't want to see me. I'd die if she ever told me to fuck off."

"I can guarantee she'll never say that to you. She and I have been on the receiving end of a few of each other's tirades. But we love each other, and so we forgive."

"Yeah, but she has to forgive you; you're her best friend," I moaned.

"I know from experience that you are a very easy kid to forgive," my dad soothed.

"Am I grounded?" I peeked up at his face.

"No, you're not grounded, as long as you apologize."

"That's fair." I sighed, pulled myself up, and wiped the last few tears from my face. "Dad, you love V, right?"

"Yeah, of course. You know that."

"Why do you think you aren't in love with her?"

My dad looked at me, and I saw him as a person for the first time. He wasn't my fearless protector; he was just another person trying to make it through.

"I am in love with her, Ollie. I'll always be in love with V," he admitted.

"So, why aren't you two..." But I didn't finish.

My dad's face dropped to his hands as he tried to rub the exhaustion from his face.

"Sometimes being in love isn't enough, and sometimes it's too much," he murmured.

"But it wasn't V that made things fit?" The confusion was mixing in my brain and giving me a headache.

"No, if anything, she made me more confused," my dad chuckled.

"Then who was it?"

"Ollie, it was you, kiddo. The universe made sense the first time I held you in my arms. You and my sister are all I need in this world; everything else is just gravy."

I could feel the tears threatening again as I watched my dad heave himself off the bed.

"I'm sorry I hate Carrie," I murmured.

"It's okay. If I'm being honest with myself, she is kind of the worst," he laughed. "I don't think we'll be seeing much more of her."

"Maybe you should tell V how you feel," I offered.

"Ollie, I love you and that you want V and me to be happy. So please hear me when I say we're happy just the way things are."

"You promise?" I looked up at him.

"I promise. Now, apologize to V," he directed with a kiss on my forehead.