Heart Strings

Sparks of love

What am I doing at the bus stop? what's going on wait, am I going somewhere! who's coming? Ayşe? Why your bags are in your hands? She's leaving me? Ayşe look at me, don't leave our story unfinished look at me! Ayşe can you hear me? I don't want you to leave me. I don't want to live without you. Ayşe... Ayşem... Ayşem...

I woke up and realized it was a nightmare. My throat went dry. My fingers were numb. As if I experienced sleep paralysis. You must have heard how the floor beneath your legs seems to tremble, here I could not even feel my legs. My heart was racing. It was because of the fear of losing her. Even when I woke up I was still obsessed with this nightmare, without any thought I turned to my side and decided to take the water pot from the bedside table. There was a blue night lamp which was burning beside my bed, I turned and saw her face in that light, my desire to drink water vanished in an instant. As the happiness of a pearl is hidden by the oyster beneath its hard shell, so is your deep touch is hidden in my inner blue port. The blue light was falling on Ayşe's face and her face was glowing in my night like a darkroom. She was sleeping on a chair, she wanted to stretch her legs but somehow managed herself. Sometimes I do find similarities between her and a cat. She was wearing a crop top and pyjamas. People used to know me like I love well-groomed people but when I see her I want to change my habit too. I don't know if she did a charm on me or it was always me who wanted someone like her to create a colourful mess out of my well-groomed black and white life. She was sleeping next to my bed, as a guardian angel maybe she wanted to protect me! I thought how close we are that she wants to protect me or is it her natural habit to protect anyone she knows? I wonder if I made any space in her heart. There were thousands of questions in my mind regarding our relationship. The contract marriage now is becoming my worst nightmare I want her to stay beyond those clauses and rules. I want to know everything about her, I want to tell every detail about me. I want to hug her tightly, smell her scent but my wants are not enough; I can't disobey her words. She refused me. The silence that is sitting between us, asking questions to you and some answers from me. This silence is completing our unfinished conversations. Sometimes taking the form of my anger and sometimes it's taking the form of your tears. I don't know how the feelings were changed in you within some hours! You know if I can go back to the moment of your confession at the party I would drag you close to me and whisper in your ear that you don't have to run away from these feelings because I will love you so much that these feelings will be your favourite habit. But our reality is different, she refused to take my hand, I know something is bothering you! We are both close and not even near like I'm trying to keep the sand in my hands, I know the outcome still I'm trying. I fell in love with you ahead of why, when and how questions. I fell in love with you without thinking about the benefits of two-sided love. I only know I felt this feeling for the very first time and it's only for you.

After thinking about these things for a long time, I felt a strangeness in my body. The moment I tried to lie straight my back pain increased. I was feeling cold I was shivering and above all this back pain. I stretched my hand to take the blanket, my movements woke her up. She opened her eyes in hurry and helped me with the blanket, she asked me why I need a blanket in this summer season then immediately she put her palm on my head then against my cheeks. She seemed confused then she touched my forehead with her lips. I lied still, my eyes were widened. I was totally surprised and thrilled. Then she looked at me and said Ferit you have a high fever maybe it's because of those strong antibiotics. She looked at my t-shirt and said you need to change your clothes, this cloth is wet in sweat wait for me here! I opened my mouth to say no, I don't need but body pain and headache didn't let me. She came with a white shirt and very politely told me to sit. I still said this nurse job isn't needed and she as usual didn't listen. I sat on the bed, she went to my backside, I raised my hands and she pulled up my t-shirt from the back. When she pulled the shirt and she saw the marks of injuries on my bare back, she felt deep remorse, she touched the scars with her soft fingers. I felt her pain and called her "Ayşe, don't worry scars will be cured " She didn't give me a reply I heard the sound of sobbing. I turned to her very slowly, I looked at her. Her eyes were filled with tears, the drops were falling from her eyes. I took her face between my two palms and told her "don't worry". She looked at my eyes and smiled and said in a crying voice do not dare to leave me again. I lost my shield of anger... I just watched her. Within a moment I saw her face red in shyness since I was not wearing a t-shirt, she told me to shut my eyes I don't know why but I didn't question. She took the white shirt and helped me to wear it just like I helped her when she was sick. The moment she came close to buttoning the shirt, my heartbeat ran faster, she touched me and I experienced a strange thrill. After buttoning the shirt she gave me instructions to lie down. She got down from the bed and went downstairs after a few minutes she came with a lukewarm water bowl and a piece of cloth, she sat beside my head pillow, dipped the cloth into the water and put that over my forehead. For enduring my body pain I closed my eyes and asked her to go to sleep but she gave me a quick no. I fell asleep while talking to her. I talked about our first meeting, how I felt and every little detail.

The golden light of dawn was coming in from our window to my eyes. I like to use "our" for this room. My father used to say I'm like a wild horse who runs from one place to other but after meeting Ayşe I learnt settling down can be beautiful too. I opened my eyes and saw Ayşe was sleeping next to me and She was hugging me and sleeping. The white cloth was still in her fist, and the water bowl was on my bedside table. I said nothing just watched her morning beauty, felt her breathing, she was sleeping very calmly as if she has defeated all her demons of worries. My eyes were fixed on her face. At first, her eyebrows frowned, without opening eyes, she stretched her hand and touched my face then with a surprise she opened her eyes and gave me a strange look which made me laugh. She got up and lost the direction of speech, way and everything. She looked here and there and said I should change my clothes I immediately arose from the bed and stand in front of her. She looked at me and quickly ran from my side.

****************************************
I had shut the door of the bathroom in a strange excitement I looked at the mirror, my eyes were shining, and my face was burning. I cannot even believe my reality I woke up next to him! I was holding him so close! For believing all these happened I looked at the mirror again and gave a heart whelming smile. Then took a shower. When I came out from the bathroom he was still in that white shirt and was looking outside from our bedroom window. As I can understand his coming and going by his footsteps perhaps he can understand too! Because when I came, he without looking t me wished good morning. I was wearing a green casual dress with floral print, my hair was wet I didn't expect him to be there, that's why I came with a towel on my head!

He asked me whether I want to come down for breakfast in reply I said how are you feeling now? He replied he wanted to talk about something, he wasn't angry he was looking very calm and steady and that is a fearful thing! He came closer to me, looked at my eyes and said should we add a rule in our contract; this single sentence left me shocked! With a trembling voice, I asked what kind of rule? He said rule that we will talk about everything even if we are angry with each other. I was mesmerized at the same time emotional I wanted to hug him and place my head over his heart and tell him how helpless I am right now. He put forward a hand of understanding and I was craving to hold that. I said nothing just moved my head to give the sign of affirmation. I asked him about his scars and he said don't worry they are healing with time. Then he said to me I'm not feeling well that's why I said to Kezban abla to bring the food here, okay? I said okay, then today we will have a private couple dinner? I said and bit my lips since it was embarrassing because I mentioned us as a couple, he gave a shy smile and went into the bathroom.

While eating breakfast on our sofa he looked at me how I was comfortably sitting there folding my two legs. I was too busy eating when he asked me You know last night... he paused and so does my food in my throat !! Then he said you know you said not to leave you again, my quick answer was no never I meant not only me I meant your family, your loved ones, your fırtına; Ferit got angry and said add my neighbours too to your list, I said nothing just smiled and after seeing my smile he started laughing too. After this delightful moment, he started eating and I looked at him with my love-filled glance.

We finished our breakfast and Ferit took his laptop and went to his father for discussing business things. I sat on the bed looking at it, recalled some memories of yesterday night. I brought my diary and started writing: To Ferit Sancakzade, when you ask me whether I'll miss you or not, I think "miss" is a very tiny word for expressing the void that I feel without you. When a person falls in love, love drives him helpless, imprisoned, weak and I hate these things. But still, you are becoming the most beautiful guiding star of my life. You ask me what I like about you how to tell you there's nothing that I don't like about you: your walking side by side, Your deep speaking eyes that do not move away from my existence, your all-time care, your "anything for you" behaviours, whenever you stand for me as my family member more than that as my husband ... I start to bow down before you, and there are so many things that make me feel like a candle before you, which likes to burn slowly beside your love spark. But I can't express these feelings to you, I can't become the sandcastle before you, because I fear being broken or destroyed.

A/N: Sorry for the late update. Here is my second chapter. I hope you will enjoy it. See you soon. Thank you!