Second Chance At Love

Memories.

Brynn

Cgc and I both kept our deals on being home earlier than usual. He dropped me off at my parent's house at around 11:30 and I've been here for over an hour. I decided to spend the night since it is the weekend and I missed them and my little sister who is currently asleep. Mom and I sit on the couch and catch up a bit on the past week since we've both been majorly busy with work and school.

"Yeah, I need a ride back to campus tomorrow," I tell her, laying my head back on the couch. "What? You didn't drive here yourself?" she asks me, brows furrowed. I shake my head tiredly, my eyes starting to feel heavy on my face. "No. I was out with a friend, he dropped me off," I say. "Oh? He?" my mom's voice is laced with curiosity. I roll my eyes and look back at her. "Yes, he. No, it's not like that at all." I'm sure I don't have to remind her of this since I haven't mentioned or brought home any guy in the last three years.

"It could be like that. It would be fine if it was like that," she says. "Mom, seriously? This guy could have any girl on campus. I'm sure he's not thinking about tying me down. And I don't want to be tied down to another guy. Ever," I say firmly to make sure I get my point across to her. She sighs loud enough for me to hear and her face falls into a frown. "I just mean that if you ever change your mind about that, it would be okay. No one is going to judge you for it. He would've wanted that for you," she says the last sentence quieter.

My jaw ticks slightly at the mention of him. "Even if he told me himself that he wanted that for me, I still would have made the same choice I've made these past three years. Don't use him against me, mom," I say annoyed now. "I'm not using him against you, Brynn. You were only 18 years old and that's more heartbreak than anyone should ever experience but it's not going to be the end of the world if you decided one day that you're ready to move on," she says softly. "I have moved on, mom. Can't you just accept the fact that I'm not going to date anyone and that's the choice I've made? It's not going to affect you or anyone else, only myself."

I know she's just trying to look out for me but she makes it hard to not get angry at her. Nobody, not even her, should question the decisions I've decided to make with my life. I made a promise to myself three years ago and that promise still stands. Being in a relationship, letting myself fall for a guy who could potentially be good for me, that's not something that I want to do. Because at the end of the day, I don't want to experience the heartbreak I did three years ago. It took me more than a year to get back to being the girl I was before I dated him. I don't want to lose her again.

Not over something temporary.

"I just want you to be happy, Brynn. Whether that's with you being alone or with someone who makes you feel that way," my mom tells me. "I'm happy, mom. I've never been in a better place in my life. I don't want anything to change anymore. I just want peace before I graduate and start living in the absolute real world. I promise you, the smile you see on my face now, isn't the fake one I used to put on. It's real," I say honestly. She nods quickly and she catches a tear that slips down her cheek, wiping it quickly.

"Mom!" I say, frowning. I don't like seeing her cry especially over me. I saw enough of that for two years. I run over to the opposite couch that she sits on and wrap my arms around her frame. She wraps her arms loosely around me too and a couple more tears fall onto my shoulder. "Don't cry, okay? I'm fine. I'm happy. I'm alive. That's all that matters right now," I say. She pulls away from me and I sit down next to her and hold her hand.

"I know, Brynnie but I just remember seeing you unhappy for years and I felt your pain times ten. Seeing your kids unhappy hurts more than anything," she tells me. I rub my thumb over the back of her hand in comfort. "I'm sorry, mom. I never meant for my pain to latch onto you too." This is the first time I'm ever hearing about this. I could tell back then that my mom and dad were both extremely worried about my mental health but never did I think that it was affecting her that much.

"Don't apologize. One day when you have your own daughter, you'll realize that her pain is yours. All I ever pray for is happiness for you and your brother and sister. Because if you guys are happy, then me and dad are content," she explains. I bite my tongue to say anything against the kid's comment since I don't want to ruin the moment. After this conversation, I'm glad I won't experience the pain of a future daughter. I know I won't have one but I'm okay with that. Seeing my family upset is enough pain even now.

"Well then you and dad can breathe because we're all happy. It took a while for me to catch up with Ken and Ripley, but I'm here," I smile genuinely, pausing for a second "I'm so glad I decided to go to school here. Seriously." My mom's smile finally grows as she nods her head and pulls me in for another hug. She had been talking about my applying for school in Oak Hill for months. I never thought I would apply more so end up committing here but it felt right. Oak Hill isn't home, home. That belongs to Los Angeles, but Oak Hill is my parent's home. I think I'll like it here more than I ever imagined.

I talk to my mom for a little while longer until I finally let her catch some sleep before she has to wake up in a couple of hours to make my dad breakfast for work. I find myself back in my room, the one that looks exactly the same as my old one back in Los Angeles. My parents never threw away anything of mine when I moved to Miami. It's exactly the same, the only thing different is the fact that it's in Oak Hill. I change out of my clothes into more comfortable ones before making my way over to the drawers that my TV sits on. I sit on the cold floor and open up the last one.

The whole thing is filled with pictures. Pictures and memories from when I was in high school and the first semester of my freshman year of college. I've always loved collecting pictures so I started collecting "memories". Some people complain about me always having to take pictures of things but I like to have these to look back on times. Better times when I thought I was so much happier. Times where I saw my whole life ahead of me. Times where I truly felt like I'd never have to experience that pain that I felt.

People would tell me to live in the moment. I did do that but I also captured it so on days like this, I can sit back and watch it back. I won't say my life was much better back then because that would be a lie. I was depressed and my only source of happiness came from a boy. I never fully understood that that wasn't healthy. I had lots of friends and went out a lot but I only had a good time because I was with my ex-boyfriend the whole time.

When he wasn't around, I felt empty inside. I felt like nothing in the world mattered, not even myself. The second I saw his face though, all of those thoughts went void. He was my only source of happiness for four and a half years. I would hate to go back to being that same girl I was in high school. These past three years, I've been going to therapy and working on being happy for myself. I've learned to love myself, to find happiness in more than one thing, and to move on. Even though my past still sneaks up on me sometimes, I'm at a much better place now than I was all those years ago.

I pick up the first picture that my fingers touch. This picture was taken during my freshman year of college. Even though it's one of the more recent ones, it still feels like forever ago. It's a picture of me, my ex-boyfriend, my friend, Delilah, and her boyfriend. We were at Miami beach after our football team had won their fifth straight game. If anyone would look at this picture, they would think that I was the happiest girl in the world. I was surrounded by friends, the one person whom I loved, and a good time. Truthfully though, that day wasn't a good one until I met up with him that night for the party.

Just like any other regular day for the old me. I wasn't happy until I was with him.

I set the picture back down and decide not to pick another one up. I do keep looking at the ones in view though. Most of these are from high school filled with the same people I had known most of my life, only a few of them I still talk to today. Moving to Miami changed me in some ways. I lost communication with a lot of my old friends and I made new ones there - truthfully I regret it. Most of my friends from Miami were his friends, not mine. My only real friends back in Miami are the people I cheered with.

I sigh a heavy one and shut the drawer again. I rarely open it, the last time being a couple of months ago but I'll never have the motivation and strength to throw any of those pictures out. I probably should too but it's hard to let go of my past even when I know doing so will be the final step to being free. Not completely, because I will never be that free. It would be that final step though. The step that allows me to move on the way my mom wants me to. Sadly, I don't think I'm there yet.

Maybe one day. Maybe.