Fighting Through It All [Dean Winchester fanfic] #Wattys2015

Chapter Twenty Six

Months pass too quickly for my liking, and suddenly, we're at one month before the date for the raging war has been set for.

I sit at my bed, knees drawn up to my chest, the room too quiet but my thoughts too loud. My fingernails dig Ito the sides of my legs as I stare at the wall, panic rising in my chest. Flashing images of Dean dying play over and over again, each time a different possibility of how he could die. Each time I wince, my entire body shaking and my cheeks wet, a few small tears still trickling from my eyes.

No light comes from my room. I sit in the dark, the only light coming from underneath the doorway in a single strip. I wince again as the sound of Dean's cries fill my head, an image of a sword being driven through his chest flashing across my mind. A small sob escapes my chest, two tears slinking down my cheeks and wetting my leggings, my body shaking harder with every new sound of pain I hear from Dean.

My head is swarming with his death, the perpetual scene engulfing me and tearing me apart, bit by bit. My fears are enclosing in on me at a terrifyingly fast pace, no matter how quick I run or how hard I try to fight them off. The images of Dean dying at war because of myself have been flashing in and out of my mind for the past three weeks.

My head snaps to the door as it opens, yellowish white light peeling through. Standing in the doorway is Sam, wearing jogging pants and an old t-shirt, his hair a mess. I squeeze my eyes shut as Dean's cries fill my head again, echoing and bouncing off the inside of my skull, another wave of fear and guilt smashing into my chest like a freight train.

I feel arms wrap around underneath my arm pits, and when I look up, Sam is lifting me from my bed. I don't fight him off- I don't have the energy to, even I I wanted to. I lean against him, still shaking and only quick breaths escaping from my chest. He takes me out to the library, sitting me in one of the chairs and disappearing into the kitchen.

When he returns, he has a cup of steaming tea in his hands. He begins to hand it to me, but when I make no obvious move to reach for it, he just places it in front of me. He rounds around the table, sitting in a chair opposite of me, concern crossing his tired eyes.
"I didn't wake you up, did I?" I ask in a soft tone, looking at him worriedly. He shakes his head, smiling a small smile at me.
"No, I was already up. I just went in to check on you," He explains, and I wince, covering my face in my hands whilst drawing my knees up to my chest. I shake my head.
"You shouldn't have to check on me, I'm sorry," I whisper, more tears falling from my cheeks. I drop my hands, looking at the ceiling. "I'm fine, Sammy. You can go back to bed."

He purses his lips, shaking his head. I just sigh, wiping underneath my eyes with my fingers and sniffling. I nod, trying to balance out my breaths before another image of Kiramin slicing Dean's head off enters my mind in another gruesome flash. I wince again, fingers driving into the table. Sam reaches across the table, placing his hand gently on mine.
"Hey, hey," He says, snapping the image from my mind like someone blowing out a candle. "It's not real, okay Myra? It's not real."

I just stare at him, broken and lost and hurt. I know that he knows what I'm going through; a couple years back, he lost his soul, too. Apparently Death had to put up a block in his mind when he got it back, and it almost killed him when the block crumbled. Dean told me that a little while back. But what Sam tells me now, is that losing his soul almost drove him to killing himself.

A shock of fear shivers through my mind at the thought of killing myself. I try to imagine if I could do it; could I really pull the trigger or take the pills? I'd die for just about anyone in a heartbeat, but could I actually go as far as killing myself?

As another flash of Dean being shot in the neck explodes into my mind, the thing that scares me the most is the thought that I'm beginning to think I could.