Fighting Through It All [Dean Winchester fanfic] #Wattys2015

Chapter Twenty Seven

A ghost of a girl is no girl at all.

As I stare at myself in the mirror, I begin to realize how weak I look. My eyes are sunken in, my cheek bones and collar bone are prominent, my arms are thin, and I have circles underneath of my eyes. I am a ghost of a girl.

It's today. Today, we go to the place where we are going fight Kiramin. I've been waiting for this moment for so long, yet now that it's here, I wish I could go back. This is a bad idea. Everything about this is bad. Someone is going to die today....I can feel it in my bones.

I flinch, clutching my head as voices fill it, some whispering and some screaming, all saying different things. Some are telling me to off myself, and others are telling me that I'm going to get others killed. Tears trickle down my face. I'd fight this war on my own if I could, but I can't. I'd call the war off if I could, but I can't. All of my choices have led me here, and my body aches with regret now that it has arrived.

I slip my towel around my body, and make my way into my bedroom. On my bed my clothes are laid out; my Kevlar pants, shirt, and my leather jacket. My boots sit on the floor at the foot of the end, a pair of socks resting on top of them. My outfit has been laid out for a week now, but I've been dreading the day that I'd have to wear it.

I slip everything on, staring at myself in the mirror again. My hair is wet from my shower, appearing straggly and tangled. I shove it out of my face, revealing the mournful eyes of a monster who doesn't want to kill.

Kiramin stands behind me, mocking my appearance. I ignore him, his appearance nothing but an every day occurrence to me now. I just listen to what he says and shove it to the back of my mind. Listen, accept, move on. Some times I feel like I'm back in Heaven, listening to the reports that the angels are giving me after my fights.

A knock on the door causes me to jump. When I turn around to see who it is, my thoughts are exploded with images of him dying, over and over again. I dig my fingernails into my palms, blinking away the images long enough to smile.
"Hi," Dean says, his voice quiet and careful. I smile, straightening myself out and making my smile bigger.
"Hey, what's up?" I ask, trying to sound at least slightly chipper. He walks over, sitting on my bed, eyeing me up and down.
"I just came to check up on you. How're you doing?" He questions, and I shrug, crossing my arms.
"Okay," I answer, blatantly lying to his face. "A little nervous, but other than that, okay."
He nods, disbelief in his eyes. I can only pray that he bought it.
"It's just crazy, you know? We've been looking for him for so long, and preparing for this war and now..." He pauses, staring at the floor with wide eyes and raised eyebrows, a look of surrealism painted in his eyes. "It's finally here."

I nod. He stands up, waking over to me and wrapping his arms around me. Images of me holding him while he bleeds out in my arms fills my mind, but I push them back, leaning into him, closing my eyes. I breathe in the whiskey and gunpowder scent, shoving the smell of metallic blood from my nose.

We stand there like that for a long while. Both of us need this, just this quiet embrace, the calm before the biggest storm. My bubbling fear of losing him in this battle rises in my stomach, a writhing and churning monster inside my gut.

A tear slips from my eye, spilling out from the corner. I nestle my face further into his chest, seeking comfort in his arms.
"I'm so scared that I'm going to lose you," I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut, trying desperately to stop the flow of tears. His arms tighten around me, and I release a shaky breath. "That's what I'm the most scared of. I don't know what I'll do without you if-"
"Don't talk like that," He snaps, pulling away from me, still holding my arms. My lip quivers as I stare into his eyes that hold the strength, honesty, and sincerity that I need right now. "I'm not going to let that happen. Both of us are getting out of this alive, alright? I'll make sure of it."