Wait, wut?

Between you and me

Hi guys!

So to you I seem like a pretty happy, fun, nonchalant, crazy, outgoing, forever optimistic girl.

For the most part, you're right.

But there's a small façade I keep up. I'm self-conscious. I'm shy. I'm insecure. I have very low self-esteem.

For those of you who know me personally, you might be thinking, What? This outgoing chick is insecure?

And yes. I am very insecure. I'm self-conscious about my appearance. I don't have a ton of shoes, or clothes.

I am naturally outgoing, yes. But sometimes, I use that to my advantage. I use it as a cover, to shield my self-consciousness and insecurities from the world. I try to distract people from everything that's wrong with me physically, and instead show them my personality.

I have some amazing friends who have stayed with me for a long time. Kenzie-Solangelo has been here since we were 3 1/2 to 4 years old. Ten years. WhiteIron has been here since we were seven. Five years. These two girls and I have been through ups and downs, but we've gotten closer and closer with all the downs.

Sof: The Andrew thing? I'm over that. I have someone just as good as him. We are closer than ever now that that has happened. I'm kinda glad it did for so many reasons. I love you and I will stay with you forever.

Kenz: I love you girl. Ever since you-know-what, I can assure you that I'll always be here. When we get into high school (yes, WE) we will try to survive together. You're my sunshine, and my rain, Makenzie. This is getting kinda homo, but you know what I'm getting at.

Another problem I have: self-hatred. Yes Katie and MaryAnn and Kenzie and Sophie and Sarah and whoever else is reading this. I have self-hatred. It's not pleasant, trust me. Remember when I would never roll up my sleeve all the way about a month or two ago? Well, that's because I had something written just below my elbow that I didn't want anyone to see: "I hate myself."

I don't want you guys to think differently of me. I am being myself around you in school and wherever else we see each other. But I also have another side you don't see.

Now, I am attending a therapist weekly about personal stuff. I have all my friends with me. However, I also have 17 cousins who are all older than me, and who all live in Ohio. Whenever I go to visit, they come to hang out individually, but when I'm with two of them, they hang out together and push me to the side.

That's on my mom's side. On my dad's side, I have no cousins. That's fine, because I can be the favorite, I can be the one who's always acknowledged, and I can not be the one who's pushed to the side.

There's a reason I love Trevor so much. He helps me through the hard times, and his music brings me up from hard places. Also, he has anxiety. He made a video about it, and I cry every time I watch it. He went through so much and still does, and it gives me strength. This is kind of hard to explain, but he makes me feel happy again. YouTube, music, performing, and the Internet are my escape from reality, bullies, and my suckish life.

I wrote this so you guys could get to know me and what I hide behind the happiness and craziness. I love you all, and without you, I wouldn't be doing this right now. I would probably be in bed, asleep. Which I probably should be. So good night.

~Trevor_tho