I was in good condition honestly.
I had a great boyfriend, the best out of all of them.
I finally got to be with the actual people I wanted to be with, instead of being alone for many months.
Life was amazing.
Why did I do it?
•
My social life may have been great, but what went down under the roof was not.
I felt drained, my family made me feel like shit.
This is weird because they're the ones who are supposed to make you feel the safest since they're the ones to who we are binded to by blood.
•
I ranted to my boyfriend, Matt, about all my problems.
He made me feel validated, he would send me long paragraphs within the day whenever he thought I was drained.
But no matter what he did, it didn't feel right.
Some of his words didn't feel like it was sincere, I don't know if it was just me or I wasn't used to someone caring for me.
It reminds me of this one quote from Maddy Perez in a show called Euphoria.
"It feels good to know that there's one person in this whole fucked up world who has my back."
Now looking at it, that quote barely applied to me and Matt, but do remember that quote, since it'll fully apply to someone later on in this book.
•
One day, in Math class, I was sitting through a screen learning about something I didn't even understand.
"Alright, class is dismissed."
It was break time!
I left the meeting and reflected on the fight I had with my mom.
All the nasty things she said to me, all the nasty things I told her.
"Honestly, you're the one who makes me sick most of the time."
That made my heart drop, felt like I was useless.
•
I saw a bunch of pills on the counter, I then got a lot in my hand, before taking them in, I just thought about all the words my mom said, how it would be better without me making everyone around me stressed.
It felt good knowing that once I'm dead, I wouldn't have to be in a constant cycle of overthinking.
So I took them, the rush I felt in my body made me want to take more, but different kinds.
The acid in my body reacted to the number of pills that had different purposes.
I finally did it.
•
I lay down on my bed, and finally closed my eyes and let the reactions take over me.
I woke up by the sounds of my mom cooking food, I thought I was hallucinating.
I checked my phone and saw multiple calls from my friends telling me to go to school.
Then it hit me,
My attempt failed.
