My Heart, My Soul, and My Poems

A Short Story - A Night of Terror

It was dark. Sweat covered my back. I could not breathe."It's going to be ok. It'll all be alright. Nothing is wrong," I whispered to myself empty comfortless words, trying to convince myself they were true. Nothing was wrong right? My life had always been easy. I was raised in a simple, small suburban house with four siblings. I had grown up with the best Christian family with good morals and lots of sarcasm, but everything had changed since I had turned sixteen.College emails piling on top of one another. Friends texting me to hangout but I was too busy or emotionally drained to give them the time of day they deserved. My job at a small coffee shop had only been making it worse, though I had always loved working. The only true peace I had was when I was completely alone, with the freedom to pray aloud to the only one who understood me, my God. Although, I barely had a enough time for that either. Consistently I would barely survive through a day.All that mattered now was the moment I was trapped. Darkness gripped its hands on all of my exposed skin. All the things I was never capable of fixing or doing right - my sins, my mistakes, my failures - swirled through my brain in a never ending flush that was clogged with too many thoughts. I wanted to scream, but then they would know I was not ok. Even then they could not help. So, instead I lay on my bedroom floor with hot tears dripping onto the carpet and all the temptations swimming through my head.I could go find something to end it.But I couldn't. The life of others was never apart of me, and why should I change that now? Everyone knew me as the decently smart, good girl who was always there for laughs. The skinny girl that was always in shape. The perfect daughter that cleaned the house, got her own gas, drove her little sister everywhere, and would never swear or drink or harm herself. The person you never had to worry about because she took care of herself.It was true for the most part. If I was not okay no one could care for me, so I care for them instead. It is not difficult to fake it at all after a year or two, especially when they believe me so easily. Just as long as they did not know the truth I would be absolutely fine."It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok." Three was the magic number to make things disappear. Or at least so I have forced myself to believe. When you are so good at lying to others, you can sometimes manage to lie to yourself too.I wrapped my arms around myself, remembering the night so long ago I spent wrapped in someone else's. Jonathan, how I missed him. He truly understood and listened to me. We had looked at the stars one summer night. I had never felt so at home in my entire life. Nevertheless, once summer ended, everything changed. He was not the same and that's ok. He deserves better than me.It was cold, but I did not bother moving off the scratchy carpet to grab the blanket a few inches away on my bed. Worldly comfort could provide nothing of sustenance any longer, only the comforting peace of my Heavenly Father's presence or the knowing presence of another that loved me dearly.Those were the only moments I had ever wished to have a boyfriend. Seconds later I would fall back into the deepest fear of someone knowing me completely. A relationship where they would have to love you and think about you and take care of you - it sounded horrible! I could not imagine ever doing that to someone I loved.Once again, the trail leads back to me, crying on the floor hopelessly alone waiting for the guilt and thoughts to stop screaming at me."It's going to be ok. It'll be alright. Nothing is wrong. You are making it up. You should be thankful for what you have. You should be happy." I voice sounded quiet and harsh. I barely recognized myself. At this point, it didn't feel like me talking. It was more like strings were controlling curves of my mouth and voice, forcing the terrible words to enter the air in front of me. "You'r overreacting. Go drink some water and go to sleep. It will all be over then." I prayed in the strong comfort of the Lord and somehow willed myself to crawl into my bed. Nevertheless, the thoughts persisted and a night full of confusing dreams filled the hours of sleep.