IF

1

Waking up again, ShangYu was engulfed in a strange, disjointed sense of unreality. ShangYu was surprised, he never knew that ghost needed to sleep.

Memories tugged at him, leading him to the library. He watched as a much younger version of ShiWen walked right through him, searching for that "he" that he himself knew too well, the air heavy with his intoxicating smell of fine wine. Uncontrollably, ShangYu followed, muffling his footsteps. ShiWen's smile was radiant, like a glimmer of sunlight breaking through storm clouds. ShangYu blinked away the haze clouding his eyes and kept his distance, even though a more rational part of him knew it was pointless, yet his heart still skipped a bit every time ShiWen turned his head.

ShangYu followed them down the tarred road of Imperial High. Their neat, white school uniforms shimmered in the bright sunlight. He caught sight of the glistening sweat on ShiWen's forehead, knowing it was futile, yet before he could stop himself, he instinctively quicken his pace, reaching out as if trying to wipe them off.

His fingers passed through without a trace.

ShangYu froze, staring into ShiWen's eyes. An uncontrollable ache surged through him as he recall the dream he had before he died: ShiWen was smiling at him, faintly. His frail frame shivered and swayed in the wind. ShangYu tried to reach out, yet ShiWen didn't take his hand.

Now the only thing that ShangYu could to is to watch as ShiWen chase after him, their distance grew with every step he took, and he suddenly lost his will in trailing after him anymore. What's the point anyway? To witness again the pain he himself had inflicted upon him-the love of his life? To see the isolation ShiWen endured because of his own cowardliness?

He couldn't. He couldn't bear to see it again, and he knew ShiWen didn't want him to, not even in his dream.

ShangYu sank slowly into the sunbaked road, he is feeling tired like never before. Despair clawed and him, restless even in death, he slumped against a nearby tree, exhaustion finally overtaking him.

He fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

When he woke this time, everything felt different. The sense of disorientation of a lost soul vanished, instead replace by a sense of solidity that was all too familiar. ShangYu opened his eyes to find himself staring at a ceiling carved with intricate patterns.

The strangeness struck him all at once: he'd fallen asleep under a tree, but now he was lying on a soft bed. And that wasn't all. ShangYu raised his hand hesitantly, curling and uncurling his fingers. He clutched the edge the mattress, feeling it's tangible texture under his grip.

He could touch things.

ShangYu's brain went blank.

"Hmm.." A faint sound broke the silence. A soft hum, almost a whine, and it made ShangYu freeze. His body stiffened as he instinctively held his breath, turning over cautiously so as not to disturb whoever was in the room with him.

The warm-colored bedside lamp was still turned on, it's light illuminated a figure laying beside him, peaceful and unguarded in sleep. The soft yellow light cast shadows over angular features, ones ShangYu could never mistake. It was ShiWen, and ShangYu's brain went blank again.

Tears welled in his eyes, spilling over silently as he covered his mouth to muffle his sobs. He cried until the trembling in his body subsided, until he could bear to look again. Slowly, hesitantly, he reached out, brushing his fingers against ShiWen's chin.

It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a ghost.

He is alive. ShiWen is alive.

ShangYu's hand tightened, he quickly pulled the smaller man in to his arm, his kisses clumsy and desperate.