I can't really tell you how our friendship started because strange stars aligned to put them in my path. You could say fate but I don't know what to believe. You ever meet someone who feels familiar but you can't quite understand how? That was my very best friend.
To know them was to be standing in front of sunshine. Warm, loving and the comfort of family. Quickly I spent my days becoming close to them and opening up in a way I hadn't before. They also opened up to me. Our childhood had similarities and we related on many topics. It was all new to me. I always felt strange like I didn't quite fit in. Surface relationships were my specialty, I never let anyone in courtesy of my abandonment issues (thanks sperm donor).
We both became new parents one after the other (sometimes at the same time) and with little family support we leaned on each other. Navigating parenthood and the other relationships in our lives in a way we formed our own family of sorts. The friendship we shared spanned 7 kids between us and a couple moves locating to different states. I always called them first for everything just as they would with me. The kids end up getting close as well. As time and life would have it there was tragedy on both sides and sometimes things that were too heavy to carry singularly so, we carried each other. When they hurt, I hurt too. After many years I thought for sure this person and their family they created would be a permanent part of my life. If you had told me 3 years ago before what I would call the break up I would have said there was no way we couldn't have worked through whatever issues there were. I was so proud of who they had grown into and become. I still am. In a way we grew up together. People left my life and often I couldn't depend on anyone but my best friend? They were always there. I went through the worst fucking thing in my life and I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for them. I am so so so grateful for the nights they listened to me wail until my lungs gave out and the tears ran dry. I always tried to do what I could to repay them for never leaving me.
Until they did.
I got busy and instead of calling a few days in a row I only text them. Not getting a response back after several days was so far outside of the norm for our friendship I started to panic and call frequently. Worried sick something had happened to them or their kids or partner. I didn't sleep, I reached out to mutual people. No one would tell me what was going on.
Months went by and nothing, after years of friendship I was deleted off social media. Ghosted.
Vanished.
By my best friend of YEARS. I cried myself to sleep for months. I had nightmares. I rethought every single interaction I had with them. Combing though all of my available memories to figure out exactly what I did wrong. Where could I have been a better friend? What if I had called instead of text? Did they feel abandoned by me? What about their children, are they okay? Is my best friend okay?
My mind constantly raced, I mourned the friendship that felt like family. I grieved people who were alive. I didn't know how to explain it to my kids. A part of my life was missing and I couldn't even speak about it. It was just a friendship. I could always make more friends. When a friendship ends with zero explanation and the prospect of zero closure, it confirms all of your deepest darkest fears. I have always felt like a burden to those around me. This confirmed it. Since then almost 3 years ago, I have not gotten close to another person. Not even a romantic partner. I can't bring myself to let anyone close to me. I still miss them all the time and hope they are well. I keep waiting for a day I wake up and it will hurt less than the day before. So far I haven't met that day. I am about to start a new chapter in my life and can't help but wish they were here. I sit up at night and say soft prayers out into the universe for them and their family in the dark and quiet of my living room.
