An Attempt Was Made

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It's the suicidal thoughts that I'm fed that bug me so goddamned much. My brain works in ways unfathomable to any human. Sometimes it cooperates, when the wires are aligned. Other times, I need to get inside and re-twist to re-align them. And if, whatever the reason may be, if I fail to do that, my brain will become abusive. And if I'm left alone with my abusive brain, things can get pretty raw and dangerous pretty quick.
The homicidal crow that watches me from afar will try to fly inside. The empty ceramic cup on the edge of the windowsill will, inevitably, fall to the ground as the tectonic plates collide. Shards of broken glass and China clay are all that remain, scattered on the floor.
Another weird game my brain likes to play with me is this: For days on end, most things I think of during the day, I'll see them in my dream, ever so vividly. Except, I'm aware that it's a dream of sorts, a reality that has been curated by my brain and I'm not hallucinating. Maybe these are the actual lucid dreams that dreamers in every nation are crazy for. Alternatively, they could also be night terrors. I have no clue.

Wish I could go on a 3-day bender like Noah. Noah is one of my friends and Chase is one of my closest friends (I believe I mentioned Chase at the very beginning). I prefer to keep my circle tight.
But the funny thing is, I met both of them through the internet.
My life on the internet could be described as a bad trip on acid. Or a fever dream. Or both of these combined, all the while you're sleepwalking.
And yet, the internet has often proved itself to be a crucial tool for re-aligning the wires in my brain. Just words can do miracles sometimes. For instance. merely texting Chase prevented me from attempting to commit not once, but TWICE. Now it does sound a bit ridiculous to me, too.

I'm a self-proclaimed indecisive and slightly impulsive person. All the same, I'm curious, vulnerable, and somewhat fragile- but that would be the case for all of us when you consider the number of unexpected events that could occur in each second of our fragile existences.
But if we're talking about psychological fragility, well, I would go out on a limb to say that I have the supreme capability of enduring a ton of emotional distress, that is to say, my mind is pretty robust. While I do possess the strength to endure, I would say that I do NOT have the strength to gain from chaos and disorder.
But I do take pride in the fact that I'm no longer scared or afraid. Of anything.

I've been searching and learning, and maybe, just maybe, someday I'll find whatever it is that I seek and possess enough knowledge to be able to set myself free. Only if Enzo's words are true, that is. Only if I live past the next twelve months, that is.