At this point I don't know what to do. So I decide to sit there. And think. And think and think and think. As most of you should know...thinking for me isn't the greatest idea. (No pun intended) My mind starts to run, and I have no other way to escape it. Id normally write, but since Elise took my book, I have nothing to do. NOTHING. Except the one thing that I really shouldn't do.......Stop yourself Niki. You don't need to do this to yourself. You don't deserve it. Breath. In and out. You can stay strong. But you cant. You're so weak you could barley hold it together when your best friends fish died. You're so weak. I suddenly feel like I have the angel and devil on my shoulder, the angel telling me it'll be okay and saying positive things in one ear and the devil saying I cant do it and saying negative things in the other. Its actually tearing me apart. I hate this. I stand up silently, just standing up for a little bit, just....holding in tears. I abruptly run into the bathroom and slam the door, sitting down on the tiled bathroom floor. I feel it with the tips of my fingers, embracing the coldness. I let my thighs fall onto it, also letting it soak up the soft, crisp, coldness of the floor. I open up my makeup bin sitting next to me an throw everything violently onto the floor. All my makeup brushes, makeup pallets, everything. Except the washcloth that was under all of it. I lift the washcloth slowly and pick up the 4, unblunted ,sharpened, razor-sharp...razors. Oh how ive missed the beauty of them. I stare at them for a while, crying violently, shaking, not knowing what to do. So I turn my tub on. I let the warm water run until its full to the brim. I strip down completely and gently put one foot into the, now feverous, water. I soak in the water, now grabbing the razors.But, as quick as a flash, I take the razor to my soft wrist. Not even thinking about what I was doing. I sit there, obviously throwing one of the most violent tantrums ever. I let the blood soak into the water and forcefully make more wounds, watching the maroon color blood drip down, letting the water seep in. I submerge my head under the water and scream. the most ear- splitting scream, ever. Although, since I was under water, nobody heard me. Which is good. Very good. That means nobody will come looking for me. Good.
An hour later I get out of the bathtub, my fingers pruned up along with my toes. I get dressed and put cream on my cuts, wrapping them with an ACE bandage. I sit in my bed, exhausted from crying for 2 hours straight. Im still crying though, So you can imagine how exhausted I am. I then call to mind the fact that my parents didnt even come up to check on me after Elise stormed out. Maybe they dont want to bother me, knowing how all torn up I would be AND was. I just lay there, letting my eyes flicker, not giving a care in the world. I then stop fighting my sleep, and let it take me over.
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* FRIDAY, 5:30 AM*
My alarm goes off at 5:30 AM sharp. No, just no. I cant go to school today. I cant. I cant even move. I somehow manage to get up though, which is super surprising. I get dressed and throw on my makeup. I put my hair up in a messy bun and look in the mirror. I look horrible but thats okay. I honestly don't care. At least im up. I run downstairs into the kitchen. I see my mom cooking something for my dad for breakfast.
"Goodmorning, Honey!" my mother says blissfully. I hate when shes happy and Im not.
I dont say anything to her, I just pass by her with my head down towards the hardwood kitchen floor, opening the cabnit with bowls in it. I grab one and then grab my cereal and sit down at the table. I take out my IPhone and check the gazillions of texts I have. Damn. I dont even want to know. I put it down not responding to any of them. I really dont want to deal with real people drama today. Or fake people. Or people I cant trust. OR JUST ANYONE OKAY. I relize how late its getting, and jump out of my seat, past my mom again, and out the door without a single word being said.
As I make my way to school, I past by that girls house not only to see her standing outside of her house, but she was with someone else. Elise. God damn her. Thats when I start thinking.... I take my phone out of my pocket and proceed to read through the 150 text messages Elise sent me. They all stated that adter she stormed out of my house that night, she ran into "Sam", the girl I have a crush on, and started to talk to her about me and tell her how im secretly gay and never told anyone. She then said that "Sam" is gay too and that she said she'd like to be friends with me. OKAY FIRST OF ALL, NOBODY KNEW I WAS SECRETLY GAY. Oh well....I guess some people did. They kinda noticedddd. Oooooppsss. Anyway, one of the last texts said "She wants to meet you so we'll meet you on your way to school". Fuck. No. I dont want to talk to anyone. Especially my crush. Mainly because I look like a train reck. Now, we live in Inglewood- Los Angeles, California, It gets really hot. Like really fucking hot. So, I always wear tank tops with cool designs on them while wearing destroyed jeans so air can get in through the rips and tears.That means my bandage will show. And Elise will of course ask about it and/or want to look at it. ( second grade I fell of my bike and broke my knee, and the first thing she did was want to see the bone that they had to take out) So fuck. But anyway, Today the tank top is an inverted cross with a black back round with rose lace on the back. I have winged eyeliner with simple mascara. I have my black leather Doc Martins on also, so I look pretty grunge if I do say so myself. I mean, I look okay but I could look better. I kind of start to walk faster after I read the texts because I honestly dont want to talk to anyone today. I ignore the fact that theyre waving and screaming my name. Then suddenly I see Elise run across the street, without even looking both way. She just ran, screaming my name. She came over and hugged me tightly whispering softly in my ear.
"Im really sorry about last night. I was just so overwhelmed with... Well...I took your journal and uhm...Im seriously so sorry about that. But anyway, I couldnt handle the fact that I knew such secrets so I got upset and took it out on you...im so sorry." She finishes out of breath.
"Its fine." I say blankly, seeming not interested, because im clearly not.
I see Sam walk up to us and smile shyly, looking down at the ground fixing her snap back. Shes perfect okay. Pure perfection. She looks up biting her lip and smirks saying ever so softly " Huwoo" in the cutest voice ever. I look down ,not wanting her to see how much im blushing. I just do this half ass wave and smile like an idiot, making my septem piercing move a little. I start to walk again, but this time, fast. Elise tries to catch up with me, dragging Sam along. When we get to school, I trudge up the stairs, but my knees get the best of me. Ive had this leg problem eveer since I was little. Even before I fell off my bike and broke my knee. But that, ON TOP of my leg problem, Just my legs are horrible. Thats why im so short. Im 5'1 and Im completly done growing. Which really sucks because no one likes short gay girls. -_- But anyway, i suddenly start to feel my legs caving in. Like I was about to crubble into a million pieces. My vision started to go foggy and my arms started to tingle. Then all of a sudden, I heard someone scream my name, and after that, everything went black.I was passing out. This isnt good. All I saw was someone running. I felt someone grab my arm, my bad wrist. And I had no idea who it was. Until my eyes started to flutter open.
