Feathers and Feelings |Destiel au|

1

I am writing cas based of off my experience as an autistic person. It is hard to put my feelings into words, so the events i describe might not make sense, or may not seem like an accurate portrayal of autism. 

Cas pov~

"You room is number 134, second floor," the attendant said to me, while handing me my keycard. I was almost shaking as I head to my room, the concept of sharing a small space with a stranger was very daunting. I slowly climb the stairs to my dorm, anxiety building as I come closer. I eventually reach my door. I take a breath and open the door.

Turns out my roommate hadn't made it here yet, for which I was thankful. I had time to set up everything, without fear of judgment. There wasn't much to the room, just two twin size beds, two dressers, and a large window in between the beds.

Immediately, after looking around, I start unpacking. Hopefully I can finish before my roommate arrives. I replace the bedsheets, comforter, and pillowcases with my own set that is a map of the constellations. I make sure my comfort item, an old frog plush, is safe on my bed, then unpack my clothes. 

I finish unpacking everything, then lay down. I stare up at the ceiling for who knows how long, until I was interrupted by what I presumed to be my roommate. I just sat there, not feeling like talking. I assumed he didn't either, he didn't say anything.

Eventually he did, the man introduced himself as Dean. Dean Winchester. I responded with mine, and he continued doing . . . whatever it was he was doing. I tried to lay down, and get comfortable, like before, but I couldn't. My clothes would be bunched up and hurt, or they will feel gross against my skin. Needless to say, I couldn't stand it, I needed them off now.

"Do you . . . mind if I change my clothes?" I asked reluctantly. 

"Uh yeah sure?" He had a deep, gruff? voice. It was almost comforting, in a strange way. 

I put on some soft -but not overly soft- sweat pants and removed my shirt.  I think, although I'm not completely sure, Dean was staring at me.  I laid back down, this time with my astronomy book. 

~

It was dinner time. I was forced to put on a shirt, but the uncomfortableness of the fabric is better than people staring at my naked upper body. Dean and I walked to the cafeteria silently, but as soon as we stepped through the doors into the space, he left me. I headed over to the area where they serve food, pushing through crowds of people.  I really do not like this, too loud, too many people, too much going on in general. I make it to the serving area and get soup. I like soup, no gross textures, or flavors that don't mix well. I try to find an empty table, but to no avail. I end up sitting at a table with one other person, but it's in the middle of everything. I can hear every conversation, see every movement. I barely get two bites in before I feel the beginnings of a meltdown. I try to leave as fast as I can, pushing my way through the hordes of people.

As I'm walking through the exit, panting and shaking, I make eye contact with Dean. He seemed concerned. I hope he doesn't follow me; I can't have him see me like this. I quickly walk to my room, looking at the floor.  Once I find my room, I quickly go inside, and grab my headphones. I play some of my favorite songs and wrap myself in my weighted blanket. I sit there for a minute, trying to take deep breaths and calm myself, while tears run down my face. I slowly rock back and forth, my hands starting to pick at my nails.

Tw- describing pulling off nails/ blood

I didn't cut my pointer fingernail close enough to the skin, and it was really bothering me. I focus entirely on my finger and block out everything around me. I pull at the nail, trying to tear it off. It bothered me so much, it needed to go. I had ripped the nail almost halfway off before I heard my name being yelled. I look up, and there was Dean standing over me yelling my name.

"Castiel, what the hell are you doing?"

I look back down at my hand, blood running down my arm. "It was bothering me." My voice weak, and shaky, obvious I was crying.

"God, uh just stay there, I'll go get something to wrap it with," He started looking through his stuff, trying to find bandages. I just sat there, staring wide eyed. He eventually found something and wrapped my hand with it. I think he went to the shared bathrooms at the end of the hall and got a rag to clean off the blood. I don't remember it that well, time was moving fast and slow at the same time. I just sat there, repeating the main bones of the skeletal system in my head. 'Cranium, Mandible, Clavicle, Scapula, Sternum, Rib Cage, etc.' I think I might have been talking out loud, Dean kept looking at me weirdly. I think he might have tried to talk to me, but I couldn't respond. 

"Why did you do this?" His voice was much softer, but I still couldn't answer. I couldn't talk. My voice caught in my throat. He asked me a few more question but got the same response, nothing. He eventually realized I wasn't going to say anything, couldn't say anything, and just laid down, watching me warily. 

Eventually I calmed down enough to speak again. "Sorry."

"What do you mean sorry?! You just ripped of your nail, then refused to talk to me! What the hell happened?"

"I was overwhelmed."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm autistic. I got overwhelmed."

"Oh," he seemed at a loss of words. "Is your finger okay?"

"Yes, it doesn't hurt." I looked at the alarm clock, already 8 o'clock. I guess I should start getting ready for bed. "I'm getting changed," He didn't respond just nodded his head and turned around. I changed into pajama pants, decorated with stars, then left to go to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth, used the bathroom, then went back to my room. I clipped my nails, as close to the skin without hurting myself as I could, then read the first installment of 'The Lord of The Rings' until I felt tired. Dean didn't say anything, he just laid on his bed, and played on his phone. By 9:45, I was ready to sleep, and apparently so was Dean. I turned off the lights and went to bed.

Yay first chapter done! Thoughts about the story so far are appreciated!