Me: I spoke to Saint. It went as well as I thought it would *crying emoji *broken heart emoji.
Dane: Don’t worry about him, babe. We’ve got this xxx.
Me: It still hurts xx
Dane: I know, babe. I can’t imagine how you are feeling. Xx I have a job interview next month and have looked at a few apartments close to you. We will make this work.
Me: I love you, Dane xx
Dane: I love you too, babe. Try and get some sleep. No doubt you have had a big day xx.
Me: I did. Goodnight xx
Dane: Talk tomorrow xxx
Laying in my bed, sleep evades me. Saint’s cruel words continue to weigh on me heavily like a black cloud. Did he genuinely think I was nothing more than a slut trying to climb the social ladder? I knew from the get-go that he wouldn’t take the news well, but I didn’t expect him to be so cruel and uncaring. I was the one who would have to carry a child inside me for nine months and deal with the changes to my body and hormones. I would be the teen mother everyone silently judged and looked down on. I could only imagine what my father and stepmother would think once I told them the news. Would he disown me? Or embrace being a grandfather? I wish he were home. I had so much I had to speak to him about. Not only my pregnancy but the fact that I was also engaged to Dane, someone he no doubt would not approve of.
There was no way I could hide it from him, though; it wasn’t as if I could simply slip my engagement ring off. Working with machinery that could easily take a finger off if a band got caught, it made sense why Dane had opted for a tattoo. Not only that, but he was a possessive man. His name tattooed on my ass was a testament to that, even though he had given me the green light to explore my feelings with the guys. I had gradually built feelings towards all of them, but now I had no idea where I stood with any of them except for Lawson. Like Dane, Lawson was so easy to love. My relationship and feelings toward the guys were complicated and messy.
I never thought in a million years that I would fall in love with so many guys, but they all made me feel something I had never felt before. They made me feel wanted for the first time in my life. I had never had that before. I always felt like I was a burden to my mother, an unwanted piece of trash that she couldn’t get rid of. When my father left, my mother unjustly blamed me. She told me numerous times that I had been the reason why he had abandoned us. When my stepfather moved in, my mother’s attitude towards me became harsher. I had a feeling she knew that I was being sexually abused. I had desperately hoped that she would save me from his nightly visits until I overheard her one morning screaming at him to get checked for STDs because apparently, I was a little slut, and she didn’t want to catch anything from him. I knew at that moment that I indeed was nothing more to her than a welfare cheque. Only Dane’s love kept me going, the light in the darkness of my pathetic, sad existence.
Running my hand over my stomach. I can’t help but wonder if it would be better if I had an abortion. To not bring a child into the world until I had my life sorted out. It is after midnight, and sleep still evades me, every single thing wrong in my life playing on loop. Emotional tears begin to fall, and soon my body is heaving convulsively with every sob. I can’t do this. Coming here had been a terrible mistake. I knew I would never fit in here, and yet I was so desperate that I had tried my hardest. Maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough. I had been too reckless in having unprotected sex with Saint. Another naive teen who thought being on the pill was a foolproof plan and that I would never be a teen mother. How that had spectacularly backfired on me. It wasn’t that I was entirely scared of being a mother. The most frightening part had been mustering the raw courage to tell Saint that he was the father. I knew in my heart that Dane meant every word when he said he would provide for the baby and me. He was the hardest working man I had ever known. I hated that Saint had falsely assumed I got pregnant with the sole purpose of ensnaring him, like wealth and status was something that I cared about. It couldn’t be further from the truth. I had secretly hoped that he would have taken the news slightly better. I know we are both young, with our lives ahead of us, but the idea of being tied to me was so abhorrent to Saint that he had dismissed me so cruelly.
Recalling his harsh words before he walked out on me tonight has me crying even harder, the uncontrollable tears endlessly streaming down my face. Stumbling from my bed to the bathroom, I stare miserably at my dull reflection in the mirror. My face is puffy and red, my eyes swollen and bloodshot. I look like a mess. Opening the medicine cabinet, I grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills my stepmother had given me the first week I moved in. She told me to keep them in my bathroom after I told her how I wasn’t sleeping well due to the sudden significant adjustments in my life. Over the months, I had grown rather fond of her, she had slowly warmed up to me, and I genuinely liked being around her. Unlike my mother, she was warm and kind. Looking back at the bottle, I suddenly thought, how easy would it be for me to end it all. To end my eternal suffering. Would anyone even miss me? As far as I was concerned, the only family I had left was my father, and he was not present in my life despite living with him. I barely saw him. I also had the twins, but they were now happily living with a loving foster family. Dane and I had visited them while I was staying with him, and the foster parents had even talked to me about their wish to adopt them. They were lovely people, and the idea that the twins had landed on their feet in such a loving home thrilled me. They deserved to be cherished. They were wonderful girls who deserved the world. Unlike me, I thought bitterly. What kind of woman had feelings for so many men at once? I craved Dane, but I also had undeniable feelings for West, Lawson, Ryder and even the biggest asshole, Saint, who was so emotionally stunted that I didn’t know if he was capable of love. He had dropped his defences for a while there and had let me in. I loved the caring, intense side of Saint. In a few short months, I had become everything my mother had unjustly accused me of. I was no better than a whore.
Mournfully shaking my head, I put the bottle of pills back in the cabinet and then splash my face with cool water before heading back to bed. By the time my alarm goes off, I still haven’t closed my eyes. I have sat in my bed all night with my arms wrapped around my knees, rocking myself slowly as I cried inconsolable tears of sorrow. My life had not been an easy or fair one, but I had at least the will to live before today. The last twenty-four hours weighed heavy on me, especially Saint’s contemptuous rejection of the baby and me. How could he be so cruel and unfeeling? It wasn’t as if I had planned the damn pregnancy. Footsteps outside my door pulled me out of my helpless misery. I don’t want to see anyone right now, and I know that the only other person currently at home is Ryder, and I certainly don’t want to see him either. I am grateful when I hear the footsteps retreating down the hallway after several moments.
Taking a shuddering breath, I haul myself off the bed, intent on having a long soak in the tub. There is no way I am going to school today, so I take my time, making the bath piping hot and filled with a relaxing lavender bubble bath. When the water is cold, and my fingers are pruned, I get out of the tub, wrap myself in a fluffy white bathrobe, and flop down face-first on my bed. My eyes feel like sandpaper from not closing them for so long and for the millions of tears shed overnight. Rolling onto my back, I feel under my pillow for the worn photo of the twins. Looking at it brings fresh tears and more heartache. I had failed them miserably. I had told them that I would make something of my life so that I could provide for them and make theirs easier but look what I had done instead. I had completely ruined any chance to gain a good education and find employment. Now I was nothing but a teen mum with little to no prospects. I couldn’t blame Saint for his adverse reaction to the news. We were both young, and I am sure the last thing he considered when he lost his virginity to me was that I would wind up pregnant while on birth control. Admittedly I cannot remember if we had even discussed birth control before we engaged in sex. I guess it didn’t matter now. It was a moot point. My life was over, and I had proved everyone right. By mid-afternoon, I am still in bed. I was still crying. Grabbing my phone, I send Dane a short text message.
Me: I’m sorry, Dane. I love you xx
His reply is almost instant and breaks my heart. Dane always knows how to head me, like an open book.
Dane: What’s going on, babe? Are you ok? I love you too. Xxx Always.
His reply has fresh tears rolling down my cheeks, but I have made up my mind. I know what I must do to fix the problem I have created.
YOU ARE READING
Lacey
RomanceWhen my father left my mother and me for a better life, I was devastated and naively thought my life couldn't get any worse. How wrong I was. My new stepfather decided he was entitled to my body, and my mother became an alcoholic who did her best to...
