A House to A|ucard (Anthology •Hellsing)

Not sexy but funny (48)

fanfic Not Sexy but Funny spoofs and unrealistic details in erotic fan fiction.

~•Dear Readers,

Lil old Kinky Cougar here, has a bad humor complaint list about Un-realisome (is this even a word?) that lemon fanfiction writers are prone to repeat. And it drives me crazy!

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So here is my written rant!
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PS: I know, I know for me it's, le petit morts because on a rare occasion I experience then my mate freaks because nobody is home as you black out.
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•refractory period for healthy horndog man: 10- 20 minutes
~(10 seconds is bad, orgasm short lived)
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•UTI's: (infections) women are prone, have to urinate right after to flush bacteria or get infection (s).

Humor: fucking awesome orgasm and you fall off the bed/bump into furniture getting to the bathroom.

•pasties, electrical tape etc: use baby oil or warm showers.

Humor: role play, pulled straight off not realizing how strong the body glue is.

•Leather undergarments:
leather + thong= Uncomfortable

•Humor: you just can't rearrange it no matter what (not even the wiggle dance)

•Chain halter tops-warm them up first or you get a chilly surprise.

•Biggus Dickus hurtus: Not every woman can take 10" or plus fat dicks without having bruised ovaries and cervix. There is difference from slamming and brushing the cervix! If It Hurts Stop! It's Not Going to Get Less Painful?!!

•Big hands-fat fingers: Not all women can take two or more fingers shoved in them. it's "Ow fucker!" and fists a flying.

•Not all women can take vibrators to
|x| absolute value.

•size does matter. Just like Goldilocks and the 3 Bears.

Humor: Too small and you will accidentally say "you are in...?" at some point.

•Men who don't clip nails are an "Ow fucker!"

•Men, what part of "rug burn in the pussy" don't they understand? "Yes feels like sandpaper, Ow fucker!"

•the "whip cream" on the "rug burn", semen, yeah! Battery acid (salt content) anyone and guys just can't move fast enough. "Ow fucker Move!"

Humor: hey babe! You feel that? That was a strong one "Yeah...just like battery acid...Move! Got to use the restroom!"

•Not all women can deep throat like porn stars.

Humor: tried, choked then couldn't breath and as pulling off all the saliva became airborne to "slime" partner.

•Not all women are Squirters. Scientific jury out if special fluid or just urine.

•cheat if you need to blow jobs with your hand so you don't choke and stimulate.

•Not all women like or can stand edging:

1)That's a killing offense in my book. All one has to experience is a case of pink walls on this scale:. doubled over swollen downstairs and the body thinks your uterus needs to be prolapsed.

2) past lover denied after teasing for two hours and then gone for two weeks

•EdgeLordCreator commented on the first time intercourse should not be getting "railed hard."

I had an ovary "knocked" so hard I couldn't stand up straight for a day. Then partner got the look "Don't you even look at me and think about sex for awhile!!"

Humor: got head bounced against oak head board, almost knocked out.

•EdgeLordCreator comments on birth control is a good one. Just remember darlings condoms are not 100%. My beautiful first daughter is an example of that.

Humor: So the pills caused my migraines to return when I was younger.

Condoms, stuck to being logical choice. I have infertility on one side of the family (aunt and all female cousins) my periods just not regular so use protection.

I went to a temple in Nevada dedicated to Sekhmet by a woman told by doctors she could never have children. This woman went Eygpt to the shrine of Sekhmet at Karnak. Six weeks later she was pregnant and has two girls.

3 months later and a condom failure, doctors said less 1% to conceive but my Heavenly kitten came into the world.

•Fun Fact: Sperm can live up to seventy two hours (3 days average some 5 days wait in on that egg, ya baby!) Cause I know.

Going for the second "critter" and neighbor trespassed then when confronting he cracked my sternum. Doctor does wheel for due date. I inform her didn't have sex that day or next due to injury but before injury and she replies they hang on alot longer than most realized.

Finally to the end you say. Yup. If you want me to add to this list let me know your "complaints" to vent.

Yours Truly,

~•†•~Michi Tala💋