So Wishes Must Cry

Suicide Attempts

This is a dark chapter so i would advise some of you who find it triggering to skip it.
(also we switched again hi I'm Ash)

When i was 15 i committed my first suicide attempt because i thought my mother and family in general would reject me for being trans but they didn't and now i have permanent scars on my wrists. Actually it went like this i had written my coming out and was waiting for the perfect moment to give it to my mom but the coward that i was was too scared.

So instead i tried committing suicide so that she would find the letter and i would be gone so hating on me would be no problem at all. Therefore stupid that i was cut our wrists thinking we'd die from the blood lost of course that little blood shed was absolutely nothing and we didn't die. The next day i woke up and decided that once again i would try it and if i didn't succeed I'd give my mom the coming out letter. And this is exactly what happened i tried again, didn't succeed and gave my mom the letter.

After that i don't remember exactly when but I tried to kill myself again by swallowing a bunch of pills. I don't remember what they were but i definitely took them and remember started to feel dizzy i had also crushed one of my pills and snorted it to see if i could get any kick out of it but nothing happened again i remember thinking how boring life was i was only trying to get my adrenaline pumping and to be honest i still live for the thrill that life can bring but my life is so dull sometimes i wonder whether it's the bipolar disorder that makes me wanna ruin my life but there's definitely a push factor that I'm unable to identify.

Now forward to 2022 where i had cut my arm with a knife with the view of trying to commit suicide that also didn't work, at this point you must be thinking damn this boy is lucky but for me what would be lucky is dying since it would take my pains away. Finally depression got the best of me and i let my beast roam freely, he took a knife, brought it to my throat and slit it.

That was the turning point for my mom and sister they had decided to put me in the only mental asylum we have here "Brown Sequard Mental Health Care Center" as i read those words i knew I'd have my freedom taken away. Luckily my stay wasn't that long and i had to be there for only four days (and was diagnosed with bipolar II) which you might think wasn't that bad but honestly it was a nightmare we had to shower twice a day with cold water and everyone had to shower together imagine the sight of old women with their dangling parts if you know what i mean and oh yeah i was forced to stay in the women's ward since we were divided according to biological sex and not gender identity which totally sucks.

On the same day i was admitted to BSHCC two girls were admitted with me Anais and Anastasia. All three of us had the same doctor who's name will be kept private so we became good friends and even said we'd stay in touch with each other but it's been months and i haven't heard from them yet which makes me pretty sad since we had made big plans to go out and all.

From my eldest sister:
I remember that day very clearly, like it was yesterday
Mom had called me in a panic to ask me to pick up Ash from school cos he was in tears.
We both thought he was sick.
I got to school in under 5 minutes and a little annoyed once the head teacher had given me her version of the story.
Her version being that Ash had not done the work the travel and tourism classwork the teacher had asked him to do.
Fast forward, we went back into the car and I proposed to take Ash around thinking it would change his mind and help him relax. So Ash got bubble tea and we got him a belt for school.
Once home he started crying again so I suggested that he go rest a bit. A few minutes later i heard Ash going to the toilet and asked him to close the window in mom's room.
2 minutes later I sort of felt him behind me
When i turned I looked at his face first and then I saw the lacerations.
I never shouted that loud in my entire life
I remember hearing the fear in my voice, that helplessness
I have never ever been so afraid
I remember taking the cutter from his hand and throwing it away and putting a towel to his throat
I wanted it to be a nightmare
I wanted it to stop
I didn't know what to do
I felt sick, i was making my way to a panic attack
He was so calm and collected it scared me even more
I kept thinking why? Why did he have to?
We are there. We always support him to the best of our ability. We care and love him. So why?
It was like the world crashing down.
I kept thinking what if he died?
I fely guilty although I couldn't have stopped it
Until today I am afraid. I am still traumatised by the whole thing.
I can't be alone. And being alone with Ash is a big no no
I doubt I will ever get over the trauma
I think nobody realises what it felt like in that moment
They tend to think because I don't say anything that I am fine. I doubt i will ever be whole again after seeing him standing there, a cutter in his hand and his throat cut.