poison ivy; tom riddle

xxi | heliotrope

As I sit on the edge of the astronomy tower, my bare legs dangling in the windless chill, I wonder what my purpose is.

I feel as though everything has been taken out of me. That I am unworthy.

Swept away with just one look. A simple push of a door.

I don't know why I've come up here, of all places.

If anything, the astronomy tower exalts you.

For you were my universe. Like a shooting star, only in eyesight for a moment.

A mere moment.

My broken heart feels as though it has stopped beating. I don't blame it, it has nothing to live for.

I have nothing to live for.

Perhaps I will become a star.

I've always liked that theory. That the dead become little twinkling stars in the sky.

Then, maybe, you'll find me beautiful.

I look up to the brightest star in the sky, Sirius. I watch its sparkling glow for perhaps hours, maybe even minutes.

I don't know. I don't care.

I feel stagnant and dull and tired. I'm so tired.

And this isn't the exhaustion that comes from smashing pots and plants. This is mental exhaustion.

You've exhausted me and I hate myself.

I'm worthless. Beautifully nothing.

You know when I first saw you walk into the great hall in my second year, I didn't just see the bundle of chocolate curls, or your smile that was too sweet, or the faint freckles that dance on your nose.

Your voice is like an arrow to my heart. Such pain. Such love. How did you find me here? How did you know? Why are you here? I should stand up and hex you to death but I can't. I can't find the purpose of getting up because it will not change anything.

No, I saw a spirit that I had never seen in anyone else. Something that emanated purity, happiness, love. It was such a unique thing. I questioned if your brother had the same essence, but no. Only you, Ivy.

What are you doing here? I whisper. I don't turn around. I continue looking at the stars. Hoping, begging, praying that they save me from this torment.

The way your eyes crinkle when someone tells you a joke. The way you try to put your hair behind your ear when I flirt with you. Or the way your eyes sparkle when you look at something you love. I had never seen it in somebody else.

The cold air floods my lungs and I repress the urge to cry. I continue to look up because that's my only comfort.

I wanted to ruin it. Love, such a futile thing. A thing only for the weak. Something you define. It made me angry, seeing you tip-toe like a ballerina giving out your love to all. Smiling at people who you knew spoke poorly about you behind your back. The way your big brown eyes became glassy as you walked away. How emotion can be so present within a person.

I feel hot tears run down my face. The sky is blurry but still there. Still holding me towards the stars.

So I devised a plan to ruin you. Perhaps I was an anomaly in your list of people you chose to love because before we got together you looked at me with hatred. You did not like me because of what I did to your brother. So I knew it wasn't going to be as easy as a few looks across the classroom and a note asking you to Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop on the weekend. It needed to be a bit more...artificial, let's say.

I feel my heart start beating again, a heavy thud on my chest. I feel as if it might burst. Tears continue to roll down my face, down my neck. But I face away. You can probably see my body shake but I wish not for you to see my face.

I hope, beg, pray to the stars that what you're about to say isn't what I think. That everything I have felt hasn't been false, hasn't been fabricated, hasn't been fake.

That our love is true. I have felt it. I have felt it, please Tom, tell me it isn't true

A love potion.

Everything stops. The stars stop listening. I am alone in this deceitful world.

A sob rips out of me, I lean forward so my chest is on my thighs. I feel my hair dangle like a willow tree.

I'm so close to the edge. So close to the thing that would eliminate all my pain. But I find myself sitting up. Is it you that's laying me down? Pulling me down like I am your puppet. Like you have been doing for all these years.

Dictating my thoughts, my actions, my words, my emotions. How dare you, I barely whisper.

You were everything I despised. So I made you love me. I wanted to see how far that love would stretch and when it did not falter...I enjoyed it. I enjoyed watching you spread foundation on your bruises, wipe the tears from your sweet face and come back to me. Whisper 'I love you' a thousand times whilst you thought I was asleep. Watch you grow jealous and lash out when I didn't speak to you for a period of time. Watch you get irritated when you didn't see me for a lesson. Your thoughts, actions, feelings were all being directed to me. I had you in the palm of my hand and I basked in it. I was, and still am, your everything.

I listen to your footsteps as you walk across the room. I still lay on the cold ground, my knees resting on the ledge where my legs dangle still. I now close my eyes, feeling the tears ooze out.

I am silent.

You're very special to me, Ivy. I believe a piece of you will always reside in me forever.

I hear your footsteps leading towards the exit. You stop for a moment. One more moment to torment me, perhaps?

If I had the capability to love, I would probably love you the most. Goodbye Ivy.

I listen to your footsteps dissipate into nothing.

Floating away like a butterfly.

All these years I've reached out to catch that butterfly. For it to flutter in my hands. For its delicate wings to caress my palms so softly.

But it always flew away.

So close yet so far.

But it has finally left. Escaped my devotion. Escaped my obsession.

It won.