Tales of the Introverted One

Chapter 1- The Feeling of Uneasiness in Being Alone

I usually feel the happiest when I'm alone, but tonight I'm not. Well, not just tonight. This feeling has been stirring up inside me, since days ago.

The feeling of uneasiness in being alone terrifies me. And it's so strange for me to feel this way. I often fight myself about what to do now. Go watch a movie, listen to music, write my journal, work overtime, and everything else. Nothing seems to make the uneasiness go away.

I'm scared.

I don't want to see myself as a weak person. I don't want to fully beg and depend on someone to be happy.

I know, happiness is a state of mind. And I've read tons of self-help books to help me survive being alone. Being alone helped me a lot to be more mindful of what I feel, to know myself more, and to learn to be my companion.

I've done that! I'm independent.

So, why?

What's wrong? I can feel my heart pound so nervously. I don't want to fear losing another person again. I mean, I'm used to it, right? I know THAT always happens.

So, why am I being so uneasy?

Maybe, you can't control what you feel. No matter how the mind screams, if the heart felt like it lost something, it would reign over you.

Are there fellow introverts out there who feel this way?

......

I've read through my drafts from a year ago and I can't help but cringe. Taking a look at my reflection in the mirror, I can't help but notice how strong this weak person has become. But I wasn't 100% proud of it. A part of me still feels sorry for putting boundaries and setting up standards I know I deserve.

And yes. From someone afraid to be left alone again, I became someone who left alone first. And it wasn't even drastic. The change in me was quiet and gradual. Too gradual for people to even notice until I made the final decision.

To give context...

I was almost about to get married.

But not until I listened to what was bothering me inside.

It was fear. 

I've been suppressing it in hopes that it will go away, but I was still afraid of marrying my boyfriend.

My boyfriend for almost 8 years instills this kind of intuitional fear in me. And in the past years, I've hated myself enough to discard my thoughts and feelings. I hate myself enough to say "No" to my intuition.

But as the years went by, the fear went stronger.