what I want you to hear

I don't know what comfort is. I just know you bring me peace. You're the pain that I adore. Yes you bring me pain and so does everyone else but you also bring me the only peace I'll ever receive.
I'd rather go through all the pain in the world and have you then not have you and go through nothing.
You are my happiness.
You are my hope.
You are my peace.
You are my every reason.
You are my light.
You are my other half.
I feel so incomplete without you.
I just will never understand what I did so wrong for you to leave or why you don't want me. Am I really not enough? Even though I've loved you since the day I met you not a day goes by that I've felt like I was enough for you. But you know how to play the parts right. You know how to make me believe you love me and you know how to lie within your words to make it seem like you'll never leave and you're the happiest you've ever been oh how I'm your peace and oh how I keep you going on the right track how all you need is me. What went so wrong in just a few hours that you unadded me and you felt fine. Went so wrong that I continue to pour out my heart to you yet you feel nothing or no remorse. How could you? I ask myself. How could I let you? I ask myself too. I wonder day by day what if maybe I did things the opposite, would you love me then? Would you love me if I was someone else, If I was her specifically. When it comes to listening to our hearts and souls I always pay attention to that, I pay attention to the red flags but when it comes to you my dear I ignore everything I can that makes me have the ability to have you. It could be a million red flags but I turn those green I guess for my own sake. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not her. I'm sorry I'm not any of them. I remember at the beginning of this "last try" we had the things you felt the need to say to her, an apology? Oh it took me into an insane twist but yet I held it back for you. I didn't want you to think I didn't trust you or that I was insecure. Now since you left me without an explanation like several times before after convincing me everything is okay everything is how it should be and everything is back to normal, how it's going to work out this time, I question did you leave me for her? Do you miss her that bad? Is she the one you love? I question was it a new girl, Maybe the one you were snapping when we first started talking. You claimed you didn't know her yet she was your number one best friend. We talked on the phone that night and you told me I'd look good in glasses and you liked my short hair better.. sounded like you were describing her. I'm sorry I'm not her. I put that past me too, for the sake of my hopes of us being together. I didn't want to make life complicated for you, I know for a fact you'd leave then, because the that's the first thing you tend to do when even just one little thing goes wrong. I tried to make this relationship a t of perfection, knowing dang well we both have too much issues for that to actually happen, but I had hope. I had a gut feeling that this time would be the last time in a good way, for I let the bad gut feelings dissolve elsewhere. Yet you unadded me I had to take some power over myself so I blocked you but I texted your number to inform you that's what I did. You told me were taking it too fast though you were talking ab us having kids just the night before. I try to understand but I can feel that's not the real reason, so you tell me you need time to yourself and I try to understand even though I would give you as much space as you needed and be there for you as much as I could. With this too, whenever I did have you on snap you got mad at me for me leaving you on opened which confused me because that's just what you did to me. I ignore it, I know I love you and I can't let this go. I'll find a way to make it work but you won't let me find a way. I ask myself is it your troubled mind, your troubled life, I'm so sorry if it is or is your ego too high rn? Idk. Maybe you just didn't have the same feelings as you did before or maybe just maybe, It was all fake. You just wanted to prove to yourself you could get me back and before you could any day.. I took some time to show you I don't need you and whenever you get that one last chance you blow it, just like before. The promises you made disappeared and now I have to blur them out of my vision. I was coming to see you this weekend because I felt like it would solve your emptiness but i never got the chance. You unadded me and flipped out on me over small things throughout the course of the week but I didn't care. I just begged you to add me back, to give me another chance. It's everytime you do this and I finally let go you make the choice to come back for more. It gives you a surge of power. I promise you today that I'll leave you alone and I wish the best for you and maybe I do or maybe I don't. Maybe I want the worst for you for hurting me just as bad the thousandth time today or maybe I want you happy in life or maybe I want you to succeed for me, because in my fantasy mind I still believe we will end up together. The nightmares don't matter because the dreams are greater than. You could yell at me, hit me, use me, whatever but it's you who's doing it, so I let it be okay. I try to think of all these things I'm going to accomplish by the time you're bored and talk to me again just so I can tell you about it, so I think maybe you'll be jealous or wishing you were there by my side for these accomplishments but unfortunately I know you couldn't care the slightest bit. It's harder for me to let go now I'm not sure why. I'm craving to text you just for you to not answer, the feeling is eating me alive but I can't help ask myself, can we try this just one more time? No matter what you do I'll always love you, and I'll think about you because the connection has to be some form of truth.