Stream of Consciousness

One Part

The best way to describe existence is being in a constant state of what I describe as an out-of-body experience, except for it is a continuous state of being outside of my body, a back and forth between being in my body and being someplace outside of it. One minute I'm in my body, and I am entirely aware of what's going on around me, there to experience whatever moment is going on in every sense. Touch, taste, sight, sound; if I can use those senses of mine to some advantage, that means I am in my body. But, another minute, I am outside of my body, and everything is from the perspective of the third point of view. In this instance, observing rather than being able to physically experience something. I can't feel anything, not even an emotion. It's like my entire subconscious has been taken from my body and placed into someone else's body. They can't see me, but I can see them somehow; it's me talking and moving around. Going about my daily routine and normal everyday things. However, it isn't me because I'm not experiencing any second of it. When this person that is supposed to be me is talking, my mouth isn't moving. And whenever the person they're speaking to is talking to them, my ears aren't the ears who's hearing them.

I don't even feel real, and for all of those moments, nothing feels natural at all. My entire reality feels falsified, wholly made up as if they were never real, to begin with. When I find myself really deep into these episodes, I'm usually able to pull myself out of them, but not without facing mental repercussions. I then find myself spiraling down these odd thoughts that my entire reality is made up and not real. I ask myself, is that the reason why I end up experiencing out-of-body episodes so frequently? And what does that say about me as a person? Could this be a sign that I'm living my life so poorly to the point where I have to rely on my imagination to seek any sort of excitement or fulfillment? These are all sensible questions, in my opinion, and they tackle specific insecurities that I down myself daily. They don't seem like the right questions to ask, though, because I already know the answer to these questions, if I'm honest. This makes me realize how much I overthink things to the point where I don't take the time to look at them simplistically. Maybe that's why I have difficulty processing my thoughts and information when I'm learning anything because I can never simply look at them. I always have to overcomplicate things for myself, which I have to work on doing less. It will save me time and give me less of a headache. Or maybe my way of thinking is a simple way, and I just want to make an effort to look down on these thoughts so that I don't have to decipher them? That would make the most sense in my case since I am a very complicated human being. Unless I am no human being at all, that would most definitely explain the multilayered complexity of my thoughts.