...and she's just my type. [Adam Yauch / OC]

Bad getting bolder

A/N: TW notice, Nora is waaay deeper into the abuse and the drug issue. This chapter deals with that.

August 1986. Los Angeles.

My nose itches since the last time I did a line, so I take a few minutes on the bathroom and try to clean it up. I remember when I was too scared of doing drugs like this, I wish I was still scared of it, but nowadays, only lines get me through these nights. I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror, with that poor red lighting in there I look even worst. At least I hope it's the lighting. I exit the bathroom and walk to my table with... John? Josh? Joel! Yeah, his name was Joel. He's a writer for a TV Show on CBS. I've been spending several days as his companion, just hoping he can write a secondary character that I can portrait on screen. On my walk back, I accidentally bump into a guy wearing a VW badge on his chains. What the fuck? People are weird. I sit down next to Joel and my eyes try to find that guy again. He's standing around with a big group of men, and I can only guess they are some sort of gang or band, because they clearly wear their personas on their sleeve. Joel pulls my body closer to him and I prepare for another of his gross kisses, he's really not good at them. As his face is about to cover my field of vision I see him. Mr. Brown Eyes. Adam. Oh shit, Adam!!

The kiss feels worst this time, and I can't wait for it to end. I most had reacted somehow because Joel stopped the kiss and stared at me weirdly. I smiled at him and gave him a smooch, trying to pretend I don't want him to disappear and let me look for Adam, but he doesn't appear to buy it. "I guess it's fading. You need more", he says and I know exactly what he means. He's saying I'm not cheerful enough. That I should do more drugs to be more thrilled about being with him. At least he knows I wouldn't do him if it's not because of the drugs. Soon enough, someone in the table is preparing another set of lines for everyone and my hand is at Joel's crotch. Shit, I really don't wanna do this. I haven't been wanting to do this for a while, but there's no way out. And Adam is here. Shit, I hope he doesn't see me do this.

Positives are that Joel is quite a premature guy. I don't need to do much before he makes a mess of himself. And he's so lost in his mind that he doesn't notice that I blew the line off instead of inhaling it. I pretend to need to head to the bathroom again, but I just want to get away for a minute. I need fresh air. I walk out the club and look around, trying to get away from the people that are waiting to get in before I feel someone pulling on my arm. It's Adam.
He hesitates before speaking. "Hey doll, everything ok?". It feels like a flashback. I smile at him, but my eyes start to tear up. No one had asked me if things were ok in months. And nothing has been ok since even longer than that. I can't reply, words won't come out and I don't wanna cry. I look to the floor to compose myself for a few seconds before playing my part. I want to be an actress, and I consider myself pretty good at it. So when I look at him again, the tears are nowhere to be found, and my smile begins to look more real. Give me an Oscar already. I get close to him, and give him a hug. But he doesn't move or embrace me back. He's just there. Frozen. I take a step back and try to guess what's happening. He looks down, and grabs on my hand, but soon notices the bruise Joel left on my arm yesterday and passes his fingers over it. I'm glad he doesn't asks questions. He looks... Disappointed? Sad? Shit.

"My birthday was a few days ago. If I'd like to celebrate with you, where do I get on the line?". I chuckle a little. I think he understands that this is not exactly my life plan, but that I can't also just disregard it, even for as much as I'd like to. Our fingers are intertwined, as if whatever we once had was more than one night of actual fun. With my free hand I embrace his cheek and I want to kiss him so badly. Wait, why do I want to do this? "Happy belated birthday, Adam", I whisper. He finally looks at my eyes again, and smiles. God, that smile. He looks the same as one year ago, but I sure don't. We stay like that for a few seconds, before he snaps out of his trance and hugs me. I needed a hug like his. "Thank you", he softly replies directly on my ear, his voice sending chills all over my body as he moves to face me. "We're doing a show in Long Beach in a few days. You wanna come?", I smile again at the idea, already doubting I could have the permission to spend a day doing whatever I want, instead of keep chasing this already dead dream, but I'm not going to say no to him. "Tell me when and where, and I'll get there", I assure him. He gives me a place and date and I try my best to memorize it before my friend Oli snaps her fingers in front of my face, between Adam and me. "He's looking for you", she says really quickly, almost as if we're talking about an emergency, and I immediately let Adam go and walk away, back to Joel. When I finally find him, he grabs my neck and forces me to kiss him, before pretty much dragging me out of the place again. One of the last things that I see before I jump into Joel's car is Adam. He staring at me. And I can tell in his eyes that he's disappointed in me. There it goes. For many nights I had dreamed of seeing Adam again, and I had already given up to it. And now I saw him, disappointed him, and left him standing there. There was no other time, was there?