...and she's just my type. [Adam Yauch / OC]

Let yourself go

The outside is fresh. Sort of humid, but the contrast between the heat of people dancing and cool air makes the hairs of my arms stand. Or maybe it's chills about the fact I'm walking just behind Adam, holding his hand. That he cares enough to have whatever conversation is about to happen in the privacy of the street. He keeps on walking for almost a full street, he doesn't say a word or even looks at me. Is he mad? We finally stops on the corner of the street and he lets go of my hand. He walks in uneven circles, clearly looking distressed, his eyes sort of lost. He's drunk, I can tell, but there's something else bothering him. I'm not sure what to do or say, so I just quote him. "Hey doll, everything ok?". My words snap him out of whatever is going on in his head, he stops his movements and finally looks at me. He lets out a sigh and sort of smiles, but even that looks weak. Broken. He gets close to me and hugs me, putting his face in the crook of my neck, but I can tell this hug is not for me. It's for himself.

"Nothing is ok. I'm tired of this.", he mumbles while our embrace continues. I think I know how he feels. It suddenly hits me, I was about to rant about my jealousy of seeing him kiss another girl, when I've been doing something similar, with multiple men, since before we met. I justify myself but was too quick into assumptions to excuse him. "I know", is all I can reply. My hand is in his fluffy hair, caressing him, as if this could make him feel better, but it's the least I can do. "The people in the label say that I should just fill my beers with water and keep pretending. But I'm tired of this. It was supposed to be a joke, and I've prank myself." I just hold him, because I feel like I couldn't be his advisor, I was stuck in a similar world, but I knew he needed more than just this. "I get it. I truly do. But where would we be if it's not because of this? This is what we are supposed to do. All of our favourite entertainers do this. It's part of the job". I feel like I'm was trying to convince myself but I know I can convince him. He is past his breaking point. I try to pull his head away from me, just enough to kiss him. I knew my words were not enough to ease the pain of feeling tired and disappointed in yourself, but I hope my actions make him realise he is still worthy of everything in the world. Our kiss is slow. Like we are fighting the thoughts in our heads and try to live past that. Love past that. I put my hands in his cheeks and soon his hands are on the sides of my hips, our kiss warming up. When we break away to breathe, we put our foreheads together and just stare at each others eyes. Oh shit, this is more than a crush. I fucking love this man.

"I gotta tell Adam and Mike I'm leaving", he says and I know he means with me. We walk back to the club and he says his goodbyes. The girl he was spending the evening with looked at me like I've just destroyed her life and I ask him to apologize to her. I know how it feels to be in her place. When we arrive to the hotel, it was obvious there was more money coming in. The place is fancy. At least fancier than last time I walked in a hotel with him. But the situation is similar, in which his arms are wrapped around me and my hands hold into him, not wanting to lose him again. It's been over two years since we first met and it feels like today is that same day. He opened the door of his room and the place was definitely different than last time. Everything was on place. Nothing seemed even touched. His bag already packed. And his skateboard is nowhere to be seen. He sat down in the corner of his bed, and I straddle him to be able to sit as close to his face as possible. We kiss again and I want to eat his thoughts away. Of all the people in the world, Adam deserves everything. Specially inner peace. Our kiss began to warm up again, and soon his stubble is brushing in my neck, along with his kisses. It's not long until his jacket and shirt are on the floor, and so is my dress. But out of the blue he stops. He places his hands, which used to be caressing my whole body, around my face and leaves smaller, quicker kisses in my lips. "I don't want to do this." He whispered, almost fighting against himself to say the words. "I don't want to use you, like I've done to so many girls". I smile at him, if I'd wanted to be with someone in this this world, it was him. But if he didn't wanted to do this, neither did I. "Ok", I replied back. "Ok, let's just... Lay down. Just hold me", I continued, before stepping down from him and getting between the bed sheets. He removed his shoes and jeans and followed me, holding me close to him, our legs sort of intertwined, his long fingers making shapes around my shoulder, and his lips almost permanently in my forehead. My hands are in his chest, feeling it raise up and down with each breath. And that silence is so peaceful. I've never enjoyed silence as much as right now. I can feel him calm down under my hands, his eyes are closed and I can tell he's falling asleep. He licks his lips, before speaking for the last time that night. "Promise me something. Promise me I'm going to wake up and you're still going to be here". And I do.