Looking Back

6 - Noah

The days after the hospital were spent indoors. I couldn't bear listening to how sorry people are for me. When I wasn't letting time pass on the couch, I was sitting against the kitchen counter. The mess from that day is still laying on the floor. I haven't found much motivation to do anything. I let out a dry laugh when I imagine Alex's reaction to the mess in the house right now.

Almost immediately my throat closes up and I'm hit with a wave of emotion. She'll never see the house this way.

It's hardest at night. I can't bring myself to go into the room we shared together. I've been camping out on the couch. Not that I've gotten more than two hours a night of sleep.

I place my head in between my hands and shut my eyes, willing myself to get to the acceptance stage of the grieving process. That stage where I get my motivation back.

Of all the emotions, the most prominent is typically anger. I don't know why she was in North Ave. I recall our conversations and not once did she mention anything having to do with a trip outside of town. The box of her belongings - including her phone, a coat, and her purse - I was handed by the police didn't include any clue as to why she'd be there. Was she going for an appointment? Something for Paige? Was she cheating?

Was she cheating?

I can't begin to wrap my mind around the thought or sink deeper into a rabbit hole because of the knock on the door.

As I got up from the floor and walked across the kitchen and through the living room, I don't know what I expected when opening the door. It's like all sense of reality escaped me and I almost wanted Alex to be at the door. Apologizing for these horrible past few days and telling me it was somehow a misunderstanding and she's been lying in a ditch somewhere waiting to be found. When I open the door I'm almost disappointed. "Paige." I say out loud, hoping to pull myself back to reality.

Standing across from me is not the love of my life. But her sister. My chest grows heavy and it's taking everything in me not to close the door. She seems really small looking up at me. Just seeing her I can tell she's been having just as bad a time as me and I'm suddenly hit with guilt. I should've gone to the memorial. I should've checked in on her. I should've called yesterday and wished her a happy birthday, despite the circumstances she at least deserved that much.

Before I can say all this, she wraps me up in a hug. I am caught off guard so it takes me a moment before I hug her back. But when I do, it's all it takes for the tears to begin flowing.

I don't know how long we're standing at my door in an embrace but one thing becomes clear to me. We need each other. And I silently vow to myself to get us through this process.

~*~

"How was your birthday?" We've long since gone inside and after quickly removing everything on the couch, we've sat in the living room with the tv as background. I sneak a glance at her and she's got her head laying against the back of the couch, her eyes staring up at the ceiling.

She lets out a breath before answering. "I kept waiting for Alex to call me," she says truthfully. She then turns to face me and brings her legs underneath her. "Caleb was here. And he tried to help. He made me breakfast, which was sweet. But I didn't feel that anything was worth celebrating."

Because I can't think of anything comforting enough to say at the moment, I turn back to the tv. Her confession made me angry. At the doctors. The officers who found her. At Alex. She should've been here. The unknown is blinding me with frustration. "What would she have been doing in North Ave?" I can't help but blurt out. "What is up up there?"

"The only one who would know is Alex," she replies solemnly, with a shrug. "And whoever was with her last."

A simple statement. But it's what fueled me to grab the box with her belongings and pull out her phone. It wasn't damaged in the crash. It was pinging nonstop before it finally ran out of battery a couple days ago. But I never thought to find answers in her phone.

Paige wears a confused look on her face before recognition take over. She sits up from her position and takes it from me. "Have you looked in it?"

I shake my head, rubbing my face in my hands. She walks over to the wall and plugs it in. Immediately, it comes to life. "I wish this didn't feel as bad as it does," she mutters before putting in the passcode.

I didn't realize I was holding my breath until she looks at me. "The last location recorded on here before the crash was a house."

She hands me the phone and I look at an address marked 37 minutes from our apartment. My fingers shaking, I go into messages. I wasn't expecting for my name to be at the top. I know she knows - knew - a lot of people. But someone by the name of Luke S. is the last person who reached out to her.

Luke S.: We can't leave things like this. You said we could work it out. A baby changes things.

Minutes after that one,

Luke S.: Call me after work. I was us to fix this.

I immediately stand dropping the phone to the ground, catching Paige off guard. "What are they working out?" I demand. "What the hell are they fixing?"

She shrinks back in her position on the couch. "I don't know. I've never heard of a Luke S bef–" I think I notice her eyes grow wide with recognition before she forced herself to look away. She stands also and starts grabbing her things. "I can't do this," she mutters.

"Paige," I go after her. "I just found out my fiancé might have been cheating on me and that it somehow lead to her dying. If you know something, I suggest you tell me dammit."

She turns to look at me. The color is drained from her face. Her eyes mist over and her lower lip begins to quiver. She shuts her eyes and brings a hand up to her forehead. "Luke Sullivan," she says quietly. When I don't make the connection, she takes a step forward. "Dr. Luke Sullivan. My attending. Alex went through him to get my job."

Though most of that day had been a painful blur, I vaguely remember us in the hospital when Paige called out to Dr. Sullivan in the waiting room. And the way he looked at me when I introduced myself as Alex's future husband. For a moment, all I see is red. My heartbeat going a mile a minute and I feel my breathing speed up. Next thing I know I'm gasping for air.

This couldn't have been happening. There's no way. There's a misunderstanding. This Luke S meant to send that to someone else. Someone who is not my fiancé about to have my baby.

A baby changes things. Was this baby even mine? "We didn't plan for this." She had said when she told me she was pregnant. Did she mean we didn't plan for this to happen so soon? Or her and Luke S. didn't plan to be so careless?

"Shit," I yell, swinging my fist against the wall.

Paige flinches backwards and lets out a pained sob. "Noah, please," she cries. She quickly rushes to me, looking me in the eyes. Her eyes beg me to remain calm. I'm scaring her. I need to breathe. We don't know anything.

As though she had voiced her thoughts, I give a nod before I say or do something I regret, turning my heels to the bedroom I'd been avoiding all week and slam the door shut.

Authors Note:

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