broken promises, broken skin and broken heart

repeat prescription

I spray my pillow with lavender scented oils in hope that I can sleep earlier and save myself from the hours of painful thoughts. Save myself from seeing tall, slender,  ghostly figures and hearing voices that are only auditable to me.

As I lay awake staring at the tapestry haging from the ceiling, I go over and over where things went wrong. I  think about how I was putting so much of my depleting effort into  dying friendships, like how I keep wasting water on my wilting plants that I keep in hope of giving myself a purpose.

Then darkness. slumber. takes me.

I'm not talking about the darkness which is comforting and somehow manages to completely re-energize you from the day prior.
oh no.
I am talking about the engulfing, scratching, darkness that swallows you into your most horrific memories and once upon a dreams.
The darkness that you wake up from with a jullt, your heart racing and your t shirt cold with sweat.

When i unfortunately and invadiably wake up, the heaviness of yet another day in my life  washes over me. The feeling of being imprisoned in my own mind and body. The want to get out of my skin and be able to breath properly again, like I could so long ago. so long ago that I can't even remember how it felt.

I take my meds to lessen my sadness . Take your meds. Take your meds. TAKE YOUR MEDS.
People preach to me. take your meds to feel better. Only they aren't working, i thought they were for a time, they weren't, or at least they aren't anymore.

I Take my meds, take my meds to feel better. Meds which are designed to stop all emotions and normality. Meds that make you feel worse before "better".
Silly little pills I take daily to save my silly little life.

Then I pick out an outfit, an outfit with long sleeves to hide the scars that litter my arms, to hide the parts of me that are seen as shameful and that people say make them uncomfortable.

I pick an outfit that hides my ribs that aren't quite as visible as I wish they were. An outfit that hides my stomach because its not as tight and smooth as it once was.  An outfit to hide my thighs because they touch, they touch. why do they touch.?
I pick an outfit that makes me look "normal". an outfit that will hide my illness, hide what makes others uncomfortable. hide what I live with daily.

Then I pick a smile out.
a smile which I don't have the energy to brush and clean.
It's a smile though and that's what people want to see.

right?