Confessions From The Subconscious

The Girl Who Thought About Suicide

If there is one thing I have learned from my god forsaken family, it's that people are selfish. People can recite the words "I love you" numerous times, but the moment you need assistance that requires sacrifice from their part, you find yourself alone.

I've been lonely for as long as I can recall. The absence of my biological father in my childhood always made me burn with jealousy when I'd see my classmates embraced in the arms of a father that sincerely loved them.

My mother's never been single since I was born. When my dad left, she had regular relationships with men who served as contemptible fatherly figures to me. I've had almost 7 proper 'fathers' thus far: Daddy, Dad, Pa, Babba, Mr Fields, Alexander, and Padre. Those are excluding the brief 2-month affairs that typically ended with my mother creating a new dating profile online.

All of those 'fathers' affected me negatively in one form or another. I constantly explained this to my mother, and she was conscientious of my suffering, but she would favor her own romantic pleasures over my well-being. She held on to those men for as long as she could, undeterred by my silent misery.

My suffering ranged from neglect, emotional and mental damage, physical abuse, oral rape and molestation. Despite all the information I displayed, my mother continued with her self-indulgent pursuits for men.

However, it would not be fair for me to solely accuse my mother of being selfish, when there are many others who could take her place just fine- especially my step sister, Erica.
And don't get me started on the bitches at my school that constantly arouse my inner psychotic desires of drowning them in a toilet.

I'm sick and exhausted of everyone and everything that has or had anything in relation to my damned existence. I'm confused about my feelings to the extent where I can't explain them. My mind is just teemed with irresolute emotions, unanswered questions and unresolved problems that eventually leave me in a state of complete apathy. And it doesn't take long for apathy to dictate one's life.

Some days drift by where I just want to drop everything and leave; go somewhere far away from here. Somewhere where everything is simple, yet satisfying. But I'll be damned if I know where that nebulous place exists- and it's certainly not around here.

Other days I just want to start fresh. Be born as a different person, with no recollection of myself now. An entire new identity.

And some days--on rare occasions-- I get thoughts of...ending it all. All the suffering and loneliness.

And honestly, it never seems like a bad idea.