eternal rain : rain lilies

Chapter 9: Numbness

After Rico drove me home, I pretended to be sleeping in my room. Many thoughts are rummaging my mind. Like what now? What to do? Why did this have to happen? There are just so many things that bother me. But the lingering thought and feeling is, I want to see him. I want to talk and clear things out.

With a determined heart, I called Lance and asked him to see me by our tree. I heard him release a big sigh on the other end of the line, but sure enough, he complied.

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"Why Lance?" I asked him, as both of us leaned our backs o the tree, trying to shield ourselves from the rain. We are sitting side by side, him in an Indian sit, and I, grasping my knees to my chest.

Again, it's raining.

"I don't know... I don't know anymore... I just needed to do that... for our sake..." he was out of breath from the cold and tears. Silence followed.

"Say... isn't it funny? It always rains when we come here..." I said, trying to lift the mood. He said nothing.

"Aren't you angry with me?" he asked, trembling. I closed my eyes, willing it to not let any tears escape anymore, and answered.

"I'm tired of being mad at you, and besides, I have never really hated you... I was just cursing myself all that time... hating you was only a false front, a scapegoat... trying to make myself and everyone believe that lie... when in truth, all I ever wanted was to see you again..." I don't need to hide anymore. Just this once, I'll let my true feelings be seen again, before tucking it close and throw it somewhere far away, maybe beside Atlantis or something.

"Thank you... though I don't think I deserve that..." he exhaled. I can feel our hands almost touching, though both are afraid to make a move.

"You are hurting too... maybe more than I do..." I comforted him, never opening my eyes, afraid to see his crying face. It's agonizing enough to hear his sobs, his trembling voice. Seeing his face like that would be like striking myself over and over again with a sword.

"Maybe? Who knows..." he faked a laugh. "Can I hold your hand? Just this moment, the last chance I have... maybe the last time I would be with Ms. Irish before you become a full-pledged wife..." he joked and poked my side.

I slowly opened my eyes when I felt the familiar warmth encapsulate my hand. The first thing I saw was a misty-like wall. It was because the leaves of the tree are protecting us; those under it are enveloped with its misty shield. It was like an orb like magical ball, excluding those inside it, us, from the outside world. It was like there was only the two of us, and the things darkened by the night and blurred by the rain were just a figment of my imagination.

For once, what Lance and I have seem to be the reality. I tightened my hold on his hand.

"Should I tell Rico about us? About what we've been through before?" I broke the silence, waiting for his answer. I wanted to know his opinion about that matter.

"Maybe you should... after wedding that is... I know how the mind of that guy works... he'll probably sacrifice his happiness for us... and besides, things might get awkward between the three of us... still, it's your choice..."

"Don't you want to get in the way? To stop me from marrying him?" I asked, though I already know what he's answer would be.

"I wouldn't lie... you know how I love you... how I wanted to be with you... but I will never forgive myself if I ever hurt Rico... and I also know that you will feel the same way if I asked you..." I'm right. Lance is always like this. Always caring for others, never putting himself first.

"You're right..." I wanted him to stop me, but I know this is the right thing to do, the best for the three of us. The rain continued to fall as our breaths come in rhythm.

"So... is this really goodbye?" h asked me yet again, the sadness evident.

"I guess so..." I agreed, letting the tears flow like the rain.

Just like that he stood and pulled me up. Knowing this is the last chance I have, I looked at his eyes and felt my heart beat pick up its pace once again. With the slightest of touch he held my face and kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose, then ever so lightly, my lips, as I simultaneously sealed my heart with him.

The heat of his trembling lips lingered as he stalked away, for the second, and last time.