eternal rain : rain lilies

CHAPTER 1: Dark Skies

This is one of the rare times I want to suit myself and bang my head on the wall as I ask myself why or how.

Why in the world did all of the things happened in the past have to happen? Why did I have to be abandoned and go through a lot of pain? Why do my tears hide behind the fake, happy crystal sheet of my eyes?

Whenever I ask myself all these things, I often come up with nothing, no reason to believe, to hold on, or to even bother myself with all of the bends and sinkholes of my life that I've already been through.

But the most dreaded question I always ask myself in hopes of getting a viable answer is how? How in the world did I end up in this mess called my "past – slash - future"? How did I end up being engaged with the person I owe my second life to?

If you ask me, my standard answer would be...

Who the hell knows?

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The numerous facets are reflecting the sunlight in different angles and hue. It's beautiful, no doubt there, and it looks so precious embracing my ring finger in a way that would bind me forever.

The cheery atmosphere of the crowd never fails to amaze me, though it's not that infectious. Well, in my opinion that is. Nor did the fragrant mist of lavender dazed me either, but I have to admit, it's nice.

I know I should be amazingly happy today of all the days I had, or will have. It's my engagement day for all time's sake! But I feel guilty for ever croaking the word yes when he asked me to be his wife.

I remember that day when he took me out for a new year's dinner on a fancy Italian restaurant. I didn't have the faintest idea then. I mean, it's not like my head was actually inclined on getting married after all the commotion. Then all of a sudden, on that rooftop, blanketed with rose petals, made more intimate by the hushed sound of the classical orchestra on the far side, under the light emitted by hundreds of fireworks painting the sky, he got down on one knee, took out a ring, and asked me if I could give him the honor of being my husband.

All the memories of the saddest moments of my life came back in an instant and in the briefest of seconds, all I could ever think about was the caring way he held my hands, or when he lent me his shoulders when I cried, or the thoughtful and loving stare he casts on me, or most of all, that cold night in August when I stood there shivering, crying, almost numb by the hundreds of spikes of rain against my burning skin, completely broken, as I waited for someone who will never come back, clutching the little bickers of hope that somehow, the most important piece of my life will embrace me once again and protect me from the cold. He was the one who found me crumpled, leaning on a tree I knew so well, the one who embraced me tight and shared the fire of love he has, promising that he will fix me, he'll fix me for sure.

He was there all the time. He was the one who saved me as I willingly drowned myself in the sea of pain I created.

In that moment, I was decided. In the long second that I thought of these things he have done, I couldn't say no. I want to make him happy. That's the least I could do.

But now, I really feel guilty, knowing that I'm actually lying to him. That's very unfair of me. But I know it's for the best. He'll be happy, and I'm sure he'll try his best to make me happy too.

Maybe it's natural to feel guilty. I mean it's like, I'm betraying him or something, but as I see that wide smile that seems to be permanently etched on his face since I said yes, I couldn't be any happier for him. I love him enough to wish him the highest ecstasy.